Follow Through
by compulsiveprocrastinator
Summary: This shows what happened directly after Reid was rescued from Henkel. My first EVER story so please review. They are much appreciated. Drugs and suicide warning. Enjoy! Want a sequel? see my profile for more info! I'm getting into writing again
1. Chapter 1

Follow Through

_Follow Through._

_Chapter One_

**_This picks up where "Revelations" left off and shows how I may have continued the story. Probably pretty clichéd but give me a chance, it is my first post. Please be nice when commenting on it._**

Reid reached down and slipped his hand into Henkel's pocket, careful not to be seen. Looking up, he slipped the two vials into his own pocket and limped away towards Gideon who had his hand held out to him.

Half an hour later, he was sitting on a hospital bed waiting to be checked over. He couldn't help but feel uneasy as he sat there, as if he'd just been violently ill. He had realized he had a very big problem on his hands. The team didn't know about the drugs Tobias had given him and Reid was debating whether or not to tell them. He knew the drugs were bad for him and the team could help him get over them but what would happen if he told them? Would he have his gun taken away…his badge too? Would they lock him up in rehab like his mother in Bennington and tell him it was the best place for him - whilst Hotch replaced him with some new, younger, better agent who wouldn't want to leave when or if he got himself better?

No, he wasn't going to let that happen. He knew it could; they replaced Elle, they could replace him too. A doctor walked in with salt and pepper hair and a tired face. He looked like he was near the end of his shift and just wanted to go home to the wife he never saw and who never let him forget it. Perfect.

"A mister Reid is it?" he said wearily, consulting the file in his hands.

"Doctor Reid, but yes," Spencer replied, his voice a bit too high. _Just calm down, don't mess up,_ he thought.

"Little young to be a doctor, aren't you?"

"PhD's, three of them. So, yeah. Actually as you can probably tell I've had a rough couple of days."

"No kidding."

"But I don't think I'm really hurt. Just bruises really. You don't think we could hurry this up a bit, do you? It's just all I want to do is go home and have a bath. I'd really appreciate it."

"You do look like you've had a hard time of it. FBI, aren't you? Bit worried about the boss then, eh? Don't want to get laid off for a year, that it?" He smiled knowingly at him and Reid gave him an attempt at a smile back. "_Thank you for long work hours"_ Reid thought to himself.

"I get the picture. I'll get a nurse to clean that cut on your head up and have a word with your bosses."

"Thanks man, I appreciate it." The doctor beckoned over a nurse and wandered off with a yawn.

Twenty nerve wracking minutes later and he was all sewn up. He was just picking up his things and nearly out the door when he turned to leave and saw Gideon in the doorway. Reid jumped and dropped the cup of coffee he was holding.

"Sorry, didn't mean to shock you. You alright?" said Gideon, quietly.

"Yeah I'm fine. It's OK." He paused, not knowing quite what to do. "So the doctor says I can go home." He stuttered. Damn, Gideon would see right through him, he knew it.

"Yeah," he replied and kept looking at him with those sad eyes that mad him feel so vulnerable. "You want a ride to the hotel?" Still those sad eyes. Oh God, he knows.

"Yeah that would be great, thanks Gideon," Reid stuttered and hurried out of the room.

Gideon stayed in the doorway and watched him scurry off, so nervous. Was he hiding something, or was it just his reaction to what he'd been through? One way or the other, they would have to keep an eye on him from now on.

The ride back to the hotel they would stay in for the night until they could fly back to Washington in the morning was made in silence. Reid ached all over. He was tired and hungry and felt a bit light headed and out of it, as if he wasn't quite touching the ground. All he wanted to do was sink in a bath and sleep. He could hardly believe what happened to him less than an hour ago was anything but a crazy dream and half expected to wake up at any minute.

Gideon watched him out of the corner of his eye. Reid's eyes had a glazed look, conveying more than just shock at what had happened to him. It made Gideon wonder. Yet, who was he to question the doctor's diagnosis. He had checked Reid over and discharged him, although he had seemed a little distracted.

"When we get back to the hotel do you want me to order room service while you get cleaned up and we can have dinner together?"

Reid was pulled out of the almost sleep he'd been in. "Sorry, what was that?"

"I said do you want to have dinner after you've cleaned up?"

"Oh, no thanks Gideon. If it's alright with you, I'll just get something small and go to bed. I'm pretty wiped."

"If that's what you want." Gideon carried on watching Reid for a little longer.

"Spencer, are you really OK? Because it's alright to say if you aren't. No one expects you to be alright so soon, not after what you've been through…we were all worried about you, especially when you had that seizure..." Reid shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat, twisting his hands in his lap. "Thanks Gideon I'll be OK. I just need to sleep." Gideon let the subject drop. It wouldn't do him any good to press the young man further.

Reid was practically sleep-walking as he entered the hotel. The rest of the team, who had been in the other SUV in order to give Reid a little space, were waiting in the hotel lobby for them. There were more hugs all round and then after a few minutes of reassurances that he was OK Reid made his excuses and left to find his room.

"Hey Reid, wait up. I'll come with you, make sure you're settled in." Morgan stepped into the elevator next to him.

"Oh, thanks."

Reid could feel Morgan's eyes on him. Had Gideon or Hotch asked his friend to keep an eye on him? The elevator seemed to be moving impossibly slowly. He prayed that Morgan would just leave him alone, wouldn't ask him questions - just escort him to his room and then leave him be. Oh no. He heard the intake of breath as Morgan got ready to speak. Maybe he noticed the sudden tension in him or a change in the way he stood but Morgan seemed to change his mind on what he was about to say.

"Hey, I know you said you're feeling OK, but you know that if you ever do need to talk, I'm here for you right? Don't hesitate, no matter what it's about, OK?"

"Yeah, OK thanks man." The elevator came to a stop and Reid practically raced out the door.

"Thanks for coming up with me. I'll be fine from here."

"You sure?" Morgan asked, but Reid was already striding down the corridor at a speed most people jog at.

Reid shut and locked the door to his room. Peace at last. On his own, safe from everything in the outside world. After closing the blinds and making sure the windows were locked twice and re-checking the door at least three times he finally sat down on the bed and fell back against the pillows. The experience still felt unreal to him. Things like this didn't happen to him. If it wasn't for the ache all over his body, he would have sworn it didn't. He was desperately tired, but he had to get out of these clothes. He had to get clean and warm and eat something that tasted good and hadn't been poached from a nearby farm by a homicidal maniac.

He made a call to room service and ordered spaghetti in a plain tomato sauce. He was told the wait was 45 minutes so ran a bath while he waited. Reid lowered himself into the glorious warmth of the water and it felt like someone had just pushed away all the aches in his body. Sliding down and resting his head against the rim of the tub, Tobias Henkel and his cabin were nothing but a distant, barely remembered dream.

Reid was under the tree again. He felt the ache in his bones and the chill on his neck from the wind drying his sweat and he knew Henkel was there.

"You will pay for your sins" the strange young but old man said. This was Charles. Reid saw the gun rise up and he seemed to watch the bullet as it flew through the air towards him. It hit him but he didn't feel it, he just seemed to plummet down to the grave he'd dug, then, the newly turned earth began to fall into the hole and onto Reid by the shovelful. It clogged his nose, his mouth, his ears, and beyond it all a faint tap…tap….tap.

Reid pitched forwards, coughing and spluttering, to the sound of room service knocking on the door. It took him a second to orient himself, but then he hurled himself out of the bath and hastily pulled on his boxers and a shirt. The knocking on the door was getting insistent and the delivery person was shouting to see if he was in. He hurried to the door and paid for the food.

"Sorry, was in the shower," he muttered. Gideon came to the door as the porter left, roused by the continued knocking.

"Yeah, I was just in the shower," Reid repeated. Gideon gave him a funny look but only said "Why don't I take care of dinner while you get dressed." Reid was going to tell him that he was fine but Gideon was already closing the door.

After a quick towel down they sat down to eat, Spencer with his pasta and Jason with a Ham and Cheese sandwich. Reid avoided his eyes. He could just imagine Gideon suddenly demanding to see his arms, having seen right through Reid's attempted deceptions, genius profiler that he is. But no such thing happened. They merely sat and ate in uncomfortable silence.

Gideon was trying to figure out what it was that made Reid so nervous all of a sudden around him. When they'd found him at the cabin he'd been relieved to see them but now he was on edge, flinching at any interaction. Morgan had relayed the same behavior after their brief time in the elevator and Gideon didn't know what he meant. Well, maybe he was starting to get an inkling now watching Reid scratch at his arms and fidget, eyes darting about all over the room except at him. He was getting worse as time went on.

Reid had been ravenous before but now that he actually had food in front of him he couldn't eat it. He pushed it around on his plate and messed with it but the thought of it going in his mouth, sitting in his stomach, made him want to vomit. He had an idea why and what he had to do to fix it. Just once more until he was rested up and had the willpower to fight it.

"I think I'm going to try and get some shut eye now. I'm wiped out thanks for coming over, I appreciate it. I'll see you in the morning." Gideon nodded but didn't move.

"Spencer, you know you can talk to me." Reid nodded. "About anything," Jason continued "and I won't judge you, you won't be penalized in any way." Reid examined the space over Gideon's shoulder minutely as he nodded wordlessly. Gideon nodded to himself and stood to leave.

With a last sad look at the vulnerable man cowering like a dog before him he turned and left, able to hear Reid checking the locks over again on the door. Striding over to Hotch's door he rapped against the wood and waited for it to swing open to a decidedly tired-looking Hotch.

"Hey, want to get a drink?"

"Let me get my coat." They took the elevator down to the hotel bar and both ordered beers.

"I just went down to see him after room service was left knocking for ten minutes and his excuse was he was in the shower."

"Was he?"

"I think so but I'm in the room next door and I heard a lot of banging and shouting so I'm not so sure that's all that happened. I was going to ask him about it but when I saw him I felt like I shouldn't, at least not yet. He looked panicked when he saw me and all he did when I was in his room was avoid looking at me."

"He's been through a terrible ordeal. He's going to have some effects of that to deal with."

"He was shaking, his eyes were darting about everywhere and when I left I heard him rattling the locks and then coming back and checking them at least three times. There's something not right about him, I know it is only his first few hours back but I can tell something is wrong." There was a break as they looked at each other seriously over their untouched beers.

"We shouldn't jump to conclusions. We got him back just a few hours ago. Let's give him a few days and see if he changes."

"We need to be careful with him"

"Yeah." Hotch agreed.

A few feet above the hotel bar, Reid stared at the little glass bottles in his hand and slipped the needle he'd taken from the hospital into his arm.


	2. phone calls

Chapter Two

Chapter Two

_Thank you to those people who have already reviewed this first chapter, I appreciate it. I hope that this next chapter does not disappoint. _

The plane ride home was agony. He could feel everyone staring through him, and he could not help but think _do they know._ It was too quiet. Apparently everyone thought if they spoke too loud the sound waves would break him. He had had no sleep which did not help in the slightest. Henkel's voice wouldn't get out of his head. JJ's screams wouldn't out of his head. Most of all the poor couple who were dead because of him wouldn't get out of his head. Why had he not chosen them? It made sense. Why did he choose the single woman instead? Two lives are better than one. It was his fault. His fault entirely. And their screams would not leave him in peace

Reid could not stop thinking about Henkel's last words.

"Do you think I will see my Mum?"

It was not _his_ fault. It was his bastard of a father. Reid should have saved him, should have helped him. What was wrong -

"Reid? You OK buddy?" Spencer jumped at the voice. He looked up quickly.

"What?" They were all looking at him.

Morgan repeated himself.

"Yeah, I'm fine." A little snappy. He went back to looking out of the window, but if he had turned, he would have seen Gideon and Hotch exchange glances.

"It's just you were muttering something."

"I'm fine Morgan."

That was quite a bit snappy. He instantly regretted it. Morgan was only trying to help. But then he realized angrily that he should not be prying, especially in front of everyone.

Glances were exchanged between the rest of the team, but nothing was said.

Finally home. Spencer was not particularly excited at seeing his little apartment with lots of books but nothing - and no one - else. This was especially because Gideon insisted on driving him over. All he needed was to be alone. He was so tired of being watched, feeling like he had to glance over his shoulder. He just wanted to lock himself away and have some peace. But no, there Gideon was making coffee in his little used kitchen.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay at my place tonight?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

They sat in his living room drinking their coffee. Gideon noted the shake in Reid's hand.

"Why don't you take a few days holiday, maybe go visit your mother, until you feel right to come back to work?" Reid opened his mouth to protest but Gideon cut in with:

"I know you said you're OK but maybe a few days off is just what you need."

Gideon sat looking at the nervous young man before him. He sighed.

"Well, if you're sure I'm going to go."

"OK I will call you." With a last, sad look at him, Gideon turned and left.

At last! Peace. And Reid dug in his messenger bag for the pilfered needles and the cool glass bottles.

He woke slumped on the floor of his bedroom. It was light outside. It was another new day, apparently. He pushed himself up, relishing the slight woozy feeling that made him feel so calm, like nothing could hurt him. There had been no flash back this time, just a deep, peaceful sleep. The phone began to ring, knocking him out of his reverie. He jumped a foot in the air, his breathing and heartbeat suddenly racing. With shaking hands he picked the receiver up.

"H-Hello?" Why the hell was he so nervous? What was wrong with him today?

"Reid? You OK? I just called to see how you were?" Gideon. Who else was always sticking his nose in other people's business?

"Yeah, I'm fine; you just startled me is all… So did you want to ask me anything else?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to come over to my place and play a little chess and have coffee."

"Erm, you know I think I will stay home today. Got some stuff to sort out."

"Oh, OK. Maybe another time then?"

"Yeah, sure, bye." He put the phone down. For God's sake, why were they always checking up on him? He'd be a lot better off if they'd just leave him alone.

He needed a drink. He made himself some sweet coffee and sat drinking it curled up in his nice, comfortable chair in the tiny lounge. For the first time he really looked at the bruises on him. He could see on his wrists where the restraints had dug into his arms as he had pulled against them. Now that he thought about it he realized what a state he was in. His hair hung limp around his face, covered in grease. His skin looked oily and his eyes were tired. He put his mug on the table, went to the bathroom and turned the shower on. Then he stripped and scrutinized himself in the mirror.

There were also a lot more bruises on his body than he had realized. Adrenaline must have stopped him feeling the pain of them he told himself, maybe a tad hurriedly. The track marks on his arms were red and raised.

Slowly, he stepped under the hot spray of water in the shower. His skin stung and his muscles protested but he had to feel properly clean. He scrubbed at his skin with the soap and raked his scalp with his fingernails as he rubbed more in his hair. Finally he stood under the scalding spray until his skin was red and sore. He felt better than he had in what felt like a lifetime after he had toweled off and put on clean clothes. His skin would be a sensitive and dry after such a long soaking but it was worth it.

Reid had started to tidy up his apartment when he realized he had not ate properly in days. He knew he should but for some reason he just did not want to. He put it off by compulsively cleaning the floors, the surfaces, everywhere; but eventually there was nothing left to do. Well, I can just make myself something small, Reid thought to himself. It was probably the stress. He was sure that he would get his appetite back once he had had a bit of a rest. Things did not improve.

The can of soup he had heated up and bread to dip in it sat heavy on his stomach, like it was made of bricks. Reid sat down and began to read to take his mind of it when he suddenly bolted forwards. Throwing himself to the washroom, he bent over the toilet and heaved up everything in his stomach. When he finally finished dry retching, Reid went and sat back down on his chair. He was breathing shallowly, and his arms were shaking.

A few miles away, Gideon sat in his apartment. The lights were off and he stared into the distance, pondering the mysterious lands that had apparently materialized on the far wall.

A few miles away in the other direction, Hotch sat in his office and picked up the phone. Dialing from memory, he balanced the phone next to his ear and consulted the planner in front of him. The phone picked up.

"Reid?"

"Yeah?"

"It's Hotch. How are you?"

"I'm fine. What's up?"

"I know you have a week off but I'd like you to come in for a Psych evaluation."

"When?"

"Tomorrow. Be here at 9 a.m."

"Right.", Reid sighed.

Hotch put the phone down and glanced out across the bullpen, deep in thought.

Reid was seething. He did not need a goddamn Psych evaluation. He needed peace. That was all. It wasn't difficult. How difficult could _not_ doing something be? He didn't need some quack "doctor" prying inside his head, ticking off those little boxes, just itching to slam him into "temporary" sick leave. But he couldn't not go either. He would have to work out the right things to say to them, to make them not doubt him. If he didn't, his whole world was in jeopardy.

The day was supposed to be beautiful, with the autumn leaves beginning to turn beneath the vaulted sky, but all it was to Reid was his surroundings. He hadn't showered and he hadn't eaten. He had meant to, but he had over slept after taking his medicine. His clothes were clean though. The subway was too packed, too noisy. Reid felt like his brain was thumping into his skull and he wished that he didn't have to go to this idiotic interview, that he could just stay home and rest.

The people stared as he entered the lift to the floor for the BAU. Word had spread. He pretended not to notice, but he could feel their eyes boring into his back. It was the same as he strode quickly through the bullpen with his hands in his pockets and his eyes on the ground. He knocked quickly on the door of Hotch's office and stepped in hurriedly, glad to have shelter from the constant stares. Gideon and Hotch looked up expectantly.

"Sorry, hope I'm not interrupting you."

"No, no. It's fine. How are you?" Hotch replied predictably. Why could people not stop asking him that?

"I'm fine. So I'm here for the Psych evaluation."

"Are you sure you are OK Reid?" This was Gideon.

"Yes I'm sure. Why?"

"You're acting out of sorts, and I don't want you to be uncomfortable, especially not on your own." Gideon looked at him sadly, his eyes looking so deep into him it felt like he was somehow X-raying him. His eyes were sad, always so sad and it hurt Reid, so much. He didn't want him to look at him like that.

"It's alright Gideon, I'm fine. So where do I go for my evaluation?"

Hotch answered first, "Go down to the psych nurse. You already have an appointment scheduled." Gideon sighed as he turned and left.

"Hello Dr. Reid, or may I call you Spencer?" Reid didn't really want this too friendly, too polite, too….perfect little man with a fake smile and twice as many teeth as was natural to be so friendly with him, and the little man knew it. Unfortunately, Reid didn't want to appear defensive or moody and so was forced to reply with:

"That's fine."

The doctor smiled, showing that unnaturally full mouth again. He knew exactly what Reid was thinking.

"So I have heard you have been having a turbulent few days. Would you care to tell me about them?" It wasn't a question.

"It's just that", the doctor continued, "I would prefer to hear it from you."

_For God's sake_ Reid thought. Could this situation be any more ridiculous? He had had a few hard days with Henkel. His sanity or reliability to do his job was not in question. A few days rest, away from the constant suspicions and pity and he would be back to normal. Reid sighed inwardly. He was just going to have to play their game. Reid knew the answers to every question this annoying little man could throw his way, knew just what to say to score the points needed. He even threw in a few bloopers to make his score not perfect and therefore, less unlikely. The last thing he wanted was for Gideon or Hotch to be even more suspicious of him.

Afterwards, Reid was told the results from his exam would be back in a few days, after the appropriate personnel were done scrutinizing them. He left without saying goodbye to anyone, or even saying hello to most of the them. This didn't go unnoticed.

Later on that night, Reid was sitting in his favorite chair with his legs curled up under him and a cup of coffee cooling in his hand when the phone began to ring. Slowly, Spencer reached over and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey Reid, man. What's up?"

"Hello Morgan. Nothing is wrong. Why?"

"Just heard you stopped by work today and you didn't say hi so I wanted to check everything was cool with you."

"Yes, Morgan, everything is fine."

"Well I'm glad to hear that. You make us worry Reid."

"Well you shouldn't I'm…"

"Fine, yeah, you said."

"Yeah."

"So Hotch says your results from your evaluation will be back tomorrow. Are you going to come in to get them?" There were two reasons Reid would not be doing anything like that. First of all, he knew what they would be. But more importantly, whilst he had been sitting alone in his apartment, a plan had started to form in his battered little noggin.

"No, I don't think I will be able to. I have decided that instead of moping round my apartment for a week I am going to take a trip, maybe meet up with some friends."

"Are you sure Reid, it's only been …"

"I know how long it has been and I've decided I want to get away from all of this for a while. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. I will be back to work on Monday."

"Reid, I do not think this is a good idea. You should talk to Gideon, he needs to know and have a proper talk with you about it. Hotch needs to know as well. Where is it you are planning to go?"

"New Orleans" Reid said, and put the phone down.


	3. Greyhound

Chapter 3

Greyhound

_The next few chapters, or at least this one, will be in a "flashback" format. I hope this does not confuse anyone. If it does, leave me a review telling me so and I will try and rectify any issues. Reviews in general are also appreciated .I hope everyone likes this chapter and thank you to everyone who has already reviewed. _

_Also, I just realized that in my first few chapters I did not include a disclaimer. Therefore, I would like to take the opportunity to say that I do not own any part of Criminal Minds and make no money from these posts. However, if anyone who does own CM is feeling generous never look a gift horse in the mouth is my motto_ ;)

Reid sat on the bathroom floor, shaking. He needed his medicine, so badly. He needed to feel the rush, the overwhelming power of the drug. He needed the mind-numbing peace that it gave him. But he couldn't have any of this, because he didn't have any.

He knew he needed to call Gideon. He wanted to call Gideon. But he couldn't. He couldn't let him see him like this. He felt so guilty. As he sat there shaking on this anonymous linoleum floor, lower than a dog, he reflected on the events of the previous days.

It had all started that Monday night, after he hung up on Morgan. He put the phone down and sighed. He'd been too snappy. He combed his hair back with his fingers. Aside from the guilt he now felt at having lashed out at his friend, who was just trying to help him, Reid had also managed to worry said friend. _Great job genius,_ Reid thought angrily to himself. This was why when the phone ringing just a couple of minutes later, Reid wasn't the least bit surprised.

"Hello?"

"Reid? It's Gideon. Morgan called me."

"Did he?"

"Yes. He said you were planning on taking a trip." There was a pause as Reid tried to use silence to force what his boss really wanted to say into the open. This was even though he already had a good idea what the older man wanted to say, and began to bite down on his bottom lip, his anger building.

Gideon sighed. He knew what game Reid was playing, but decided to cooperate anyway.

"Do you really think that is a good idea? Don't you think it would be better for you to be with friends at the moment?"

"To answer your questions Gideon, yes and no and in that order. I will not be locked up in the house like an invalid - feeling you all watching me, hearing you talk in hushed tones around me as if the sound waves might break me and then see occasionally glancing at me pitifully. I saw how you were on the plane back, and I don't want to live constantly underneath that. I want to be around normal people, who treat me normally. I don't want to feel like I'm constantly being watched by people who supposedly care about me, constantly looking for signs I'm not right, trying to sabotage my chances. All I need is to be left alone, by everyone Gideon, and for people to stop trying to fuck with me! And yes, Gideon, that includes you!" Reid's voice had been steadily gaining in volume, matching his increasing fury, and as Jason tried to interrupt and calm the out-of-control boy down, with this final stinging exclamation, the young man slammed the receiver down. Then he stormed around to the back of the desk which the phone sat on and yanked the cord out of the wall. He also turned off his cell, preventing any further attempt at contacting him.

Breathing heavily, the young agent realised he would have to move quickly now. Undoubtedly Gideon would decide to stick his nose in where it didn't belong and come to see him. Rushing round his little apartment in a frenzied manner, Reid shoved clothes, toiletries, and other essentials in a holdall. He took extra care with his medication, frowning at how little he had left. He realised he would also have to get hold of more needles, and some rubber tubing to use as a more effective tourniquet than a belt. Making sure to pick up his wallet and keys, he left quickly through the front door. He doubted that Gideon would have got here so soon, but he couldn't help but be careful to make sure the old man didn't find him anyway.

After checking the coast was clear he ran to his car quickly. He drove to the nearest ATM, if he went to the right of his apartment block when leaving the parking area and withdrew all the cash he could. He didn't want his cards traced to him once he was on his way. Then, he drove to a bus stand and parked his car. However, instead of getting a bus from there, Reid walked a few blocks back towards his house. After he was sure he had left a great enough distance so that the cabbie would not make the connection between him and his abandoned car if anyone asked him once they found the car, as they may do in the hopes of finding him, Reid flagged down a cab on the corner of the street he stood on.

"Where to?" the cab driver asked gruffly.

"The Greyhound bus shelter" Reid replied. This was to the left of his apartment building as you exited the parking area. He tried to keep his head down to stop the cabbie getting a look at his face. He paid his fare generously, and told the driver to keep the change. Reid strode over to the ticket office with his head down. He hoped his precautions would stop them looking here for him but he was careful none the less.

"Evening," the female, middle aged ticket officer said. "What can I help you with?"

"Which buses are departing soon?"

"There's one left to go out tonight, it's on the way to Michigan."

"Can I have a ticket for that then, please?"

Reid paid for his ticket and was informed that the bus would arrive to leave in about a half hour by the grumpy sales woman and found a spot on a bench located near the stand the bus would be arriving at.

Gideon recoiled as Reid screamed at him down the phone and then for a second just listened to the dial tone after the phone was slammed down, shocked. It did not take long for him to spring into action, however. Speed-dialling Hotch as he pulled on a jacket and grabbed his keys, Gideon hurried out of the door. He quickly explained to Hotch what had happened and told him he was going to go and see Reid.

"How do you think he is?" Hotch asked, unable to keep his voice from being tinged with worry.

"I don't know Hotch, I'm worried about him. I've never heard him shout, let alone swear. I'm about to get in the car. I will call you later." With that Gideon hung up the phone. The gas pedal was to the floor the entire way over to Reid's apartment, but Gideon barely even noticed the journey. His thoughts were preoccupied by more pressing matters. Spencer shouting like that had made Gideon's insides squirm with worry. _Why the hell didn't I make him stay with me? What were we thinking, leaving him alone so soon after an ordeal like that?_ Gideon admonished himself. But deep down he feared it would not have made a difference, he suspected this was out of the control of anyone, except maybe for Reid himself. Gideon's stomach performed that funny whooshing again, like it was trying to get out of his throat, as he cursed the elevator up to Reid's floor which seemed to move at a snail's pace. After what seemed like an age, the lift finally reached a stop. Gideon was hurrying towards the door to Reid's apartment when what he saw stopped him in his tracks. The door was slightly ajar.

Half an hour later, Hotch and Gideon stood inside the little living room of Reid's apartment, taking in the carnage. Reid was not necessarily neat – there were always books and papers stacked around his apartment – but he was always organized with everything in its proper place, and hated that system to be broken. This was how Gideon knew he had had a right to worry on the journey over. There were things scattered everywhere – several piles of books were knocked over, the furniture was skewed, as if it had been banged into and the drawers were rifled through. And there was no sign of Reid.

"He hasn't just gone for milk. He left in a hurry." Gideon said to Hotch who was perusing the objects in the room.

"Nothing of value is gone; it was not a robbery then. It looks like clothes are missing from the closet and so are his toiletries from the bathroom." Hotch replied.

"He's running." Gideon sighed, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. This was the man he thought of like a son, after all. "Poor boy. He must be so scared and angry. We shouldn't have left him on his own after this. From what he shouted at me, he is probably developing paranoia as well. How can we help him if he doesn't trust us?" The last statement was muttered quietly.

"It will be OK Jason, we'll get him back. He's been through a terrible ordeal, but we will help him through it." Hotch placed a hand on Gideon's shoulder as a small gesture of comfort. "But we have to find him first. His car keys and car are gone too. Where did Morgan say he was going?"

"New Orleans."

"We can put out an APB for his car then, and check if he has bought any plane tickets."

Several miles away, the bus Spencer had boarded a few minutes ago set off on its journey. Reid set his head back, clutching his holdall, and smiled. He was finally going to be free, and safe.

_Hopefully more will be on the way soon. Please R+R, constructive criticism is always welcome. If you have any ideas on where you want the story to go, drop me a line in a review. Hope you liked it!_


	4. Chasing Hay

Chasing hay

Chasing hay

_This chapter carries on in the "flashback" format of the previous chapters. I hope this doesn't confuse anyone. Thank you to those people who have already reviewed, it is greatly appreciated. Also, I don't know much about Greyhound buses, travel times in the States or the order of states in America. If I make any glaringly obvious mistakes, please forgive me._

_Disclaimer: I do not, and never will, own Criminal Minds. If I did this would so have been made into an episode._

Reid had chosen a spot right at the back of the bus, and he had also sat on the outside seat so no one would sit next to him. He finally felt some sort of sense of relief. Whilst everyone would be looking for him in New Orleans, he was safely on his way to Michigan, and safety.

_If only I had just known what was going to happen. I should have just jumped off that bus and ran back to Gideon_ Reid thought sadly to himself, curled up on the bathroom floor, his muscles in agony.

Of course Reid wasn't actually on his way to Michigan. You could never be too careful when it came to the BAU. He had already decided that he would get off at the third stop the bus made, and instead buy a ticket in cash for a train to Las Vegas. Who the hell would find him there, as long as he was careful not to go anywhere familiar the BAU would look. He needed peace. He needed to feel alone. He needed the voices to stop screaming at him, the voices of the people he had hurt.

The hours on the bus passed with barely a word between the passengers. There weren't many of them and Reid felt relatively safe. True to his word, at the third stop the bus made, whilst the driver was smoking and the other passengers had gotten off or were sleeping, Reid crept off the bus and walked to the nearest train station. But whilst he was walking he stepped into a charity shop and bought a pair of worn jeans, some black shoes, a non-descript black T-shirt and a dark sweatshirt. He changed into the items and paid for them, shoving his old clothes into his bag. Then, pulling up the hood on the sweatshirt, he carried on towards the train station.

An hour later he sat on a train to Nevada, his hood still pulled up. Part of him knew that he was probably being a little over zealous, that he didn't need to run from these people, but then a voice deep inside him would whisper terrifying things to him, a voice he had come to loath and fear. It told him that they would search for him, and when they found him they would fire him and lock him up like his mother. He needed to go back to them his old self so that they couldn't fire him and would see he was fine. However, to get back to his old self he would need time alone. These thoughts made him uncomfortable, and so did something else. It had been to many hours for him to feel comfortable counting since he had last taken his medicine, and he was really beginning to need it now. So, when everyone else in his carriage was sleeping, he crept into the bathroom between the two cars, and finally slept himself.

It had been 18 hours since Reid had disappeared, and the team had had no luck in finding him. They had found his car easily, and knew that he had withdrawn a lot of money off his cards near there, but they could not find Reid himself. They checked flight logs; train manifests; rental car agencies; cab companies and still no luck. The team were going out of there minds, all of them blaming themselves. They were sat in the BAU conference room, or chasing down leads and had been since they had gotten the calls off Hotch and Gideon. Morgan kept hitting things, JJ kept crying; Prentiss looked awkward and didn't know quite what to do to try to calm the situation. The two eldest members of the team sat and pondered, Hotch was trying to calm and organize the team whilst Gideon was in constant contact with Garcia, getting updates on anything she found and having her check every idea that popped into his head for where his surrogate child could have run to or how.

"Do you think we should just head to New Orleans?" Hotch asked Gideon.

"No."

"Why not?" Hotch replied, a little puzzled.

"I don't think he is there. Why tell us he was going there then go to all this trouble of making sure his cards couldn't be traced and his travel pattern couldn't be identified? He was trying to put us off the scent of where he was going for a while."

"He's doing a good job of it too. Maybe he is getting paranoid. That could mean PTSD." Hotch replied as Gideon sighed.

"If he's not going to New Orleans then where is he going?" Hotch continued.

Gideon sat thinking for a while.

"He wants to throw us off the scent of where he is going. So what if he left us clues going in the wrong direction? If you head back past his apartment in the opposite direction to the ATM and his car, what is there he could have used to get away?" Hotch called Garcia to have her check what there was in the opposite direction to where his car had been found in terms of an escape plan whilst Gideon called in the rest of the team and explained what was happening. His revelations were met with tears, sighs, and heads in hands.

"Why doesn't he trust us?" JJ asked miserably, "We're his friends."

"For the love of…What's going on with you kid?" Morgan demanded sadly.

"We don't know yet what's wrong with Reid, but we need to find him and help him. He's going through a difficult time, and he needs our support, even if he doesn't want it."

Hotch interrupted Gideon's pep talk by striding back into the room with expectant glances from everyone.

"Garcia has the results." he said. "There are several car rental agencies that way and a Greyhound bus station."

"Have her check the bus station. He knows a lot of rental cars have GPS. Ask her to check which buses were leaving soon after he called me." Hotch nodded and relayed this to Garcia. He was back a minute later.

"She said there was only one bus leaving after your call; it was on its way to Michigan and is due to arrive at noon tomorrow." He paused to listen further. "She said its next rest stop is scheduled for just inside Ohio."

"Wheels up in twenty" Gideon said.

It was at this point the much faster moving train Reid had boarded in West Virginia was passing through Missouri, well on its way for Nevada.

Reid was beginning to have some serious doubts. He had twelve hours left on this moving cigar tube and only one dose left in his medicine vial. He would also have to find someone to give him more. Reid calculated it would take a maximum of twelve hours to get hold of Dilaudid in Sin City; it wasn't a commonly used drug, so he knew he would have to last 24 hours, maybe more, on one dose. To cap it off, he was already running low because he had only risked using half a dose after his long wait so that he wouldn't run out completely, the shakes had already begun to return. This was going to be hard.

The plane ride out to Ohio was made in relative silence; each member of the team was consumed by their own thoughts, fears, worries and guilt. Prentiss hadn't known Reid long but she liked him despite his oddities and was worried about what he would be going through. Morgan cursed himself for not looking out for his "little brother" after this terrible ordeal and allowing him to go off the rails like this. Gideon wondered what it was that had inspired these feelings in Reid beyond his obvious trauma from what Henkel had put him through. He knew something wasn't right, he just didn't know what. He didn't want to admit to himself what was becoming more and more obvious about what had happened to Reid. JJ felt sick with the guilt she felt at having caused this. And Hotch, Hotch was Hotch - the unreadable statue, despite the worry about his youngest agent beneath the surface. He was beginning to draw much the same conclusion about Reid as Gideon and didn't want to admit it to himself either.

They disembarked the plane in a hurry, barely speaking to the locals. Garcia had phoned the bus company already to find where the bus was, and they headed straight there in the usual black SUV's.

"Anyone have any idea why he'd want to be in Michigan, besides it being the soonest departing train?" Morgan asked. No one replied.

"Do we even know he's on this bus anymore, or ever was?" he continued.

"No, but it's likely he at least got on this bus. He knew we would have already started looking for him so he would have got out as soon as possible. We are pretty sure he was using a bus as well." Morgan sighed. This was not the answer he had wanted.

"At least the driver might be able to give us some information about where and when if he did get off" Prentiss chimed in to try and cheer him up.

"Get ready, we're nearly here" Hotch rumbled in his no-nonsense tone from the driver's seat. The SUV pulled into the parking lot and the agents jumped out, running towards the long bus with the familiar picture of a Greyhound reclining in a chair on the side. The bus company had phoned ahead to the driver so he wasn't completely surprised when the group of agents launched themselves at him. The "tall, dark and handsome" one with the shades and the older "college professor" type one stormed into the bus, waking a few sleeping passengers who shrieked in surprise, but stepped off a minute later. Evidently they hadn't found what they were looking for.

"How can I help you?" the aging man asked. He was a little bit on the portly side and didn't have the most attractive dress sense but did have a kind face. He genuinely looked like he wanted to help, which was fortunate for him. Other wise, the "tall, dark and handsome" one might have knocked his teeth out of his skull by the looks of things.

"Have you seen this man?" Agent Hotchner asked, producing a photograph of a young man with high cheekbones and long hair.

"Oh, yeah, I've seen him." The driver replied. "He got on at the station but he got off, maybe two stops back. I think it was somewhere in West Virginia. He didn't look too good. He was watching everyone like they would eat him any second, and he was really skinny too. He was on the bus for 16 hours and I didn't see him eat anything. He didn't get out of his seat, didn't sleep except once and he woke up real quick, like he'd seen a ghost. I asked him if he was OK once but he didn't answer me. To be honest I thought he was a junkie." This was received with glances of worry between the two eldest agents.

Hotch thanked the man and asked him if he could give them the address of exactly where the young man got off. After ducking back in the bus for a second he found where on the map, gave it to them and they parted ways.

"Looks like we're going to West Virginia" Hotch said and climbed back in the SUV. The others followed suit.

At the exact time Hotch said this, the train Reid was on was just passing state lines into Utah and he was getting more than a little twitchy.

The team made another flight in silence, Hotch relaying everything that had happened to Garcia.

"Wow, our little genius really doesn't want us to find him, does he?"

"And he's doing a very good job at stopping us."

"Have you thought that maybe we really would be better to just leave him alone and give him some space to get over this?" Garcia asked.

"Garcia, he isn't eating or sleeping, he's paranoid and he's having mood swings. He's probably also having flashbacks and nightmares. He doesn't need space, he needs support. He just doesn't want it at the minute."

As the team touched down in West Virginia, Reid's train pulled into The City of Sin. Reid stepped off, still clutching his holdall. _First things first_ he thought to himself, _I need more medicine._ And he had a good idea of where to get it. Keeping his head down and hood up, he walked out of the station.

_Best pick up the pace, Guys and Gal's of the BAU if you're going to catch up to dear little Spencer. Anyone have any ideas of what they would like to see happen to Spence and how he ends up curled up in a ball on a bathroom floor? If so, put it in a review to let me know (or just review anyway :D). _


	5. Window Shopping

Thank you to those people who have already reviewed, you make my day :D Hope you all like the next chapter

_Thank you to those people who have already reviewed, you make my day :D Hope you all like the next chapter. Oh, and by the way, I've never bought drugs before so the exchange detailed in this chapter is purely how I imagine it would be. If it's over dramatised, forgive me._

_Disclaimer: I do not and probably won't ever, own Criminal Minds._

Reid knew about this place from when he had lived in Las Vegas. In fact he knew most of this city like the back of his hand. He'd often gone walking the streets around here at night when he was younger and couldn't sleep. It looked different in daylight, grimy, and somehow less real. The dark and the neon hides the dust and dilapidated feel of the buildings-turning everything into Wonderland. He wanted to try and find some now but he knew he shouldn't be walking about in the daylight. Just in case. The dark has a feeling of anonymity that is pretty much impossible to match during daylight hours. Therefore, he settled on finding himself a room for the night to wait in until then. Part of him knew that what he was doing was insane and that he should find a payphone and call Gideon. Part of him wanted to feel insane, incontrollable, and free of his boring miserable life. In other words, Spencer Reid wanted to be a different person. He just didn't know who he wanted to be yet. _But,_ a small voice said inside of him,_ weren't you just saying on the train that the whole point of this trip was to go back to normal?_ Spencer did not know how to answer that, so he squashed the little voice down inside him, and hoped the indecision and confusion that came with it would go away. In truth, Spencer Reid needed a path to follow; he needed to find it, whatever _it_ was.

He caught a bus to a little motel on the outskirts of town, anonymous in this town among its hundreds of cousins. He gave a false name and address, barely speaking to the uninterested and ever so slightly hostile clerk. He paid for his room for the night in cash and went to find his door.

Once inside the shabby little room, he threw his bag down and sat down on the bed. He thought over his actions of the last few days and felt slightly, well actually quite a bit, guilty. They would be worrying about him. Were they really just trying to help? He sat up on the bed and tried to think. His head was so confused; he didn't know which of his feelings to believe. Part of him felt terrible for what he had done, and panicked at being thousands of miles from home, in a strange little motel and on the run from his supposed friends. He realised he was almost certainly fired and this made him put his head down and start to sob. _No_ that angry little voice inside him said, the one that he feared and hated, but the only one he wanted to follow. Or part of him wanted to follow – the part that wasn't scared and sad, but angry. _They will lock you up and replace you! You must show them you are strong, that you can't just be pushed out the door and sent every which way. You will show them you don't need help or concern or surrogate family. You are stronger than any one of them and they deserve the guilt this little trip has given them! For years they have pushed you around, humiliated you, stuck their nose in where it didn't belong and tried to control you. They cannot control you, if you want to take a trip you can – it's none of their business to be trying to hunt you down and muzzle you! You are a grown man, you can do what you want! _ And Reid listened to this angry little monologue inside him, and believed it. He began to pace about until he got so wound up and angry that he needed to do something to calm himself down again, to get rid of some of this frustration. So he took the last half dose he had left after he used it again on the train, and fell asleep.

The remains of the BAU team made their way to the train station in West Virginia. They figured that this is how Reid would have travelled since he had already used a bus and it was more anonymous than hiring a rental car, even under a false name. No one noticed the charity shop they passed on the way.

When they reached the station they got hold of a senior figure in the station and asked that Reid's picture be circulated among the staff that had been on duty when they approximated Reid had bought his ticket.

"Excuse me, agents?" The team looked up hopefully when the head of security shouted them but soon looked down again, dismayed at his news. No one recognised Reid.

"Are you sure?" asked Hotch.

"Absolutely. The guy you described would stand out. No one remembers seeing him. I guess he could have changed his clothes though, and kept his head down."

"May we have a look at the surveillance tapes for that time period for the ticket desks?" Hotch asked politely.

"Certainly, if you'd like to come in the office you can watch them in here…"

The agents thanked the man and he left. Considering the time period they were looking at wasn't too specific and Reid had probably altered his appearance, this would not be easy. There were two TV's they could use so they split the piles of tapes in two. They got to work. However, two hours later, they were in the same position they started in. If Reid was on these tapes, he was hiding well. Morgan was just about to give in and go for coffee for everyone when he spotted something.

"Wait a minute, guys! Hold it right there!" JJ paused the tape they were looking at.

"What is it?" Prentiss asked.

"You see that guy with the dark hood? He's about the right height and build for Reid, and he walks in the same way. And why would anyone have their hood up inside?"

"Could be Reid trying to disguise his face from the cameras," Prentiss suggested "play it back."

They all watched the snippet of film showing the tall, skinny man in the dark sweatshirt walking into the station, buying a ticket at the window and walking off camera several times in silence.

"I see what you mean," JJ said after her fifth time watching it. "It could be him. I'll go ask security if I can look through the ticket records for where the ticket bought at that desk and time was going to." She hurried out the door.

She was back a few minutes later.

"The ticket bought at that desk and time was heading for Las Vegas, Nevada" JJ told them, breathlessly.

They all looked at each other, a mixture of triumph and pain on their faces.

"He's going home." Gideon said.

"Let's hope he stays there." Morgan added.

And soon after that, they were setting off on another flight.

Reid woke up slumped on the bathroom floor, and grimaced as the realisation hit him that in his anger he had used up all that he had had left. He ached all over. With a sigh he turned over and stood up, looking out the grimy window in his room's wall. It was dark, and time to go shopping.

As he walked to the alley he knew he would be able to get his stuff from, Reid pondered why he wasn't afraid of walking in the dark here. He guessed it must be all the neon. It was able to light up the night with its unnatural glow for miles around. And on of the things in surplus in Las Vegas was neon lights. He was nervous; the fear chilled his stomach but he kept on walking. When he was nearly at the alleyway he glanced around. There weren't many people around, and those that were here probably had the same intentions he did. He didn't check his pockets in case anyone got any ideas but mentally he made sure the 200 he had kept in his zip pocket after hiding the rest of his money in his room was definitely there. Then he walked apprehensively towards the alleyway. A glance around could tell Reid exactly who he needed to talk to. The dealer was standing off on his own, and regarded Reid with a cursory gaze.

"You got a problem?"

"C-can you get hold of some stuff for me?" Reid cursed himself, his fear making him stutter.

"Depends what you want."

Reid glanced around nervously.

"Dilaudid" he nearly whispered.

"What? Speak up" the man in profile snapped.

"Dilaudid" Reid uttered a little louder.

The man expelled air from his nose in the semblance of a laugh.

"Huh, not too common, but I can get it. It'll cost you though."

"Where can I pick it up?"

"Here, tomorrow, this time. How much you want?"

"How much for two vials?"

"100 each" he caught Reid's shocked face and continued with "take it or leave it."

Reid turned and left. _Crap_ he thought. _24 hours with nothing. I guess I'll just have to be able to wait that long._ He slowly turned and walked down the street to find a bar he could waste some of his plentiful time in.

Reid was just ordering his first beer in a non-descript bar like so many others all over the country when the BAU jet touched down at the airport in Las Vegas.


	6. Present

Thank you to those people that have already reviewed, you wonderful people

_Thank you to those people that have already reviewed, you wonderful people._

_Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds and don't make any money off this story. Sadly._

Reid woke up with a groan and a banging headache. Maybe he had overdone it a little on the beer, he thought. Or maybe he really did need to eat something. Either way the alcohol had really done a number on him. He stood up and swayed a little on his feet, having to sit down again on the uncomfortable motel bed. His hands were shaking. It could be from lack of food or the drugs working their way out of his system. Either way, he didn't like it. He walked slowly to the bathroom, once he was feeling a little steadier, to relieve himself. As he washed his hands he looked up at the mirror and was taken aback by what he saw. His eyes looked sunken in his skull, his cheeks were hollow and his skin was waxy and dull. The usual dark circles around his eyes were darker even than usual, a stark contrast to his even paler skin. His hair was greasy and hung in rats tails. He had never seen himself looking worse. His head was still clouded and muggy so he jumped in the lukewarm shower to try and get rid of both problems.

After his shower Reid changed back into his jeans and sweatshirt but with one of his own shirts underneath. He would need to go out and buy some new clothing in case he had been recognised in the clothes he had already bought. The last thing he wanted was for the dealer tonight – or his team – to know it was an FBI agent buying the drugs. If he still was an FBI agent. Giving his hair a quick comb and clenching his fists until the shake in his hands had all but gone away, Reid pulled up his hood and walked out the door. He paid for another night in his room at the reception desk and then caught a bus into the busier area of Vegas that had more shops for him to browse. He was just heading down the street to another charity shop when it happened.

The night before when the team had landed in Vegas Hotch had ordered them all to go and get some rest in the hotel rooms they had managed to procure. This was met with disagreement from everyone, except Gideon who had barely spoken in the last few hours.

"Hotch, we need to be out there looking for the kid, not catching Z's!"

"I agree with Morgan" said JJ, and Prentiss nodded in agreement with JJ.

"We need to be fresh if we want to work at our best, which we will have to if we want to find Reid. We need sleep for that so I am ordering you all to go to bed. Meet back at the local police department at 7 in the morning."

Now, ready and rested and itching to get back to work the team were assembled in an office the police department had been good enough to lend them.

"Garcia hasn't found any records of Reid renting a car or doing anything in his own name, not that he would after the run around he's given us. She's checked at Bennington to see if he visited his mother and he hasn't. She's been checking video footage for train stations and buses and he hasn't shown up. For now, I think it's safe to assume that he is still here" Hotch informed the team.

"The question is, where?" Gideon asked.

"It's safe to assume he won't go back to the old places he used to live. He's probably staying in a motel or hotel" Morgan reasoned. "He won't have stayed under his own name."

"He'll also probably change his clothes" Prentiss added.

"If we split up and start checking in motels away from all the areas Reid has lived or frequented regularly and pass out his picture at them we could find him," JJ suggested.

"That's still a lot of motels. We need a way to narrow the search."

Up until now Gideon had been pretty much silent, lost in his own thoughts, but at this he suddenly spoke up.

"I think I know how to narrow the search" he muttered, and strode out of the door, with the rest of the team in pursuit, looking perplexed. Gideon found the captain of the precinct and hurried over to him.

"Officer, where could someone find Dilaudid on the streets quickly?"

The captain looked a bit surprised. The team apart from Hotch looked very surprised.

"Dilaudid? That's not too common, doubt there are many places you could get it." He thought for a moment and then continued, "There might be one guy who can get it pretty quick for you, just let me go and check" and strode off to one of the rooms off the bullpen. Morgan got to Gideon first.

"Dilaudid? Gideon, you don't think…Do you think Henkel…? Oh, Jesus"

"That's why he was acting so strange. And it explains the mood swings. Dilaudid is really addictive, if Henkel was giving it to him, he could have…" JJ couldn't finish the sentence."

"Oh, Reid man. Why wouldn't he tell us?"

Hotch answered the question Morgan asked and everyone else had been thinking.

"He was probably thinking we would fire him or lock him up in rehab. The shock from what Henkel did to him and the drugs have probably made him paranoid."

Everyone shook their heads or put their heads in their hands.

"Poor Reid. It's not enough Henkel kidnaps him, he makes him addicted too?" JJ sounded near tears. Everyone looked a bit shocked at hearing Reid spoken about like that. It was at this point that the captain returned.

"I've got that information you folks asked for. We do know of a couple of dealers who can get it but this guy seems to be the only one who manages to get it pretty quick." The officer gave them the address where the dealer was usually selling.

"We can check motels nearby here or a short bus ride away, there shouldn't be as many" Hotch told them.

Now, two hours later, the team had split up and Morgan was heading down a street in the grubbier part of town, passing a used clothes shop. He was preoccupied, thinking about what the hell was going on with Reid, and stopped dead. Was he really seeing…?

"Reid!" he shouted. The tall, lanky figure in a dark hooded top froze where he had been walking towards Morgan with his head down. Then he bolted across the road.

"Reid, man, wait!" Morgan shouted, and raced after him.

Reid couldn't believe it. He heard Morgan shout, and knew he couldn't have him catch him. Sudden panic welled up inside him. They were going to lock him up! He did the first thing his body told him to, he ran. He could hear Morgan continuing to shout him and his pounding feet as he gave chase after Reid. Reid was skinnier, weaker and only a little taller than Morgan. Not to mention he couldn't remember when he had last ate. But fear is a powerful motivator, and as Reid darted down a side street to escape Morgan he could tell that while he didn't have a great lead, Morgan hadn't caught up to him. As Reid turned a corner just ahead of Morgan he ducked into an open door and closed it quickly behind him. He heard Morgan go thundering past mere seconds later. Reid stood panting behind the door, and looked up to see where he was. It wouldn't be long before Morgan figured out what had happened and doubled back. Reid tried to lock the door but it needed a key and the bolt had rusted. He couldn't waste the time to try and force it and just had to leave it unlocked. He looked to be in the backroom of a shop which was, thankfully, deserted for the moment. From the sounds of movement upstairs, the owners were on the first floor. Reid quickly snatched a pair of dark trousers and a jacket up. As an after thought, he also found a cap and a rucksack then ducked out the door, leaving a bill on the counter.

After he had checked the coast was clear, Reid ducked into a café a few doors down and headed for the men's washroom. He quickly changed into his new clothes and pulled on his cap. Then he shoved his old clothes and everything in his pockets into the rucksack. At least the main object of today had been attained. What the hell where they doing here? How had they managed to find him? They were moving way too quick for him. He knew he should leave town straight away but that would mean he wouldn't meet the dealer. What if they knew about the dealer? No, they couldn't already know that, could they?

Reid sighed and exited the stall. He splashed some water on his face and looked at himself in the mirror. It hit him like a tonne of bricks. Suddenly he was back with Tobias, standing under that tree again. He could hear Tobias shouting in his ear; Reid was terrified and opened his mouth to beg him to let him go…when he was interrupted by the door to the bathroom opening again. Hurriedly, he splashed more water on his face and noted the shaking hands. He needed more medicine. Reid picked up his bag and left the washroom.

Morgan couldn't believe he had lost Reid again. He had gone back and checked everywhere Reid could have gone but he had disappeared.

"Dammit!" Morgan cursed and punched the wall. Then he picked up the phone and called Hotch. After Morgan had relayed what had happened to his boss, Hotch tried to calm him down and then hung up. Hotch was standing in a small office with Gideon, who was looking at him expectantly. Slowly, he turned to meet Gideon's gaze.

"Morgan saw Reid near where the dealer is said to operate."

Gideon looked down and sighed. He knew that this probably meant he had been right, but he had really wanted to be wrong just this once.

"Well, at least we know what area he is in."

Hotch nodded and started calling the rest of the team.

Reid's stomach was growling at him, demanding nourishment. The pain in his stomach was almost too great, he could barely stand up and was curled over to try and lessen the pain of the cramps. He had been exhausted after running from Morgan, actually thinking he might faint, and had finally decided to buy something to eat. He had picked up a pizza before getting on the bus back to the motel, but hadn't touched it. It sat there on the bed still warm. He slowly made his way through two slices. The feeling of it in his mouth made him want to gag. The cheese felt oily and sickly as it moved down his throat, the bread was heavy and dense and sat in his stomach like a brick and the tomato sauce was too sweet. As it hit his stomach he doubled up in the pain of the cramps from his stomach protesting after having gone so long being empty. He held his hand to his mouth, he knew he needed to keep it down but he couldn't. He barely made it to the bathroom in time to vomit it al back up into the toilet. Slowly, he staggered back over to the bed and threw himself on it. As he looked up at the ceiling, he thought silently to himself, _what's happening to me?_

"Do you think he will go and see the dealer now he knows we are here?" Hotch asked Gideon.

"He must be getting desperate for a fix by now." Gideon sat and thought for a second. As much as he hated saying those words, deep down he knew they were true. "Yes, I think he will, and then I think he will try to leave town as soon as possible."

"We have to stop him going then."

Gideon nodded in agreement, still deep in thought.

Gideon was right. By now, Reid was getting a little desperate. It was dark but not dark enough yet. His hands were shaking and his body ached. He would give anything for just a half a dose. He was going out of his mind and frantically paced up and down, up and down, watching the clock. The rational part of him knew that _no way_ should he go to that meeting because the team were probably watching. However cravings are irrational things and he did not, could not, listen to that side of him.

When Reid estimated that it was late enough for him to set off he shoved 300 bucks in the zip pocket on his jacket, just in case, and left the room. He almost didn't notice the bus trip heading down into town, but as he walked he became more and more nervous, checking in the shadows for friends and enemies alike. This was a good thing for him, because when he rounded the final corner onto the street with the particular alleyway he was looking for, Reid noticed something that shouldn't be there.

Sitting in another alleyway on the opposite side of the street was a dark sedan. Reid barely saw it; it was parked so far back. Something just didn't feel right about it. _It's a stakeout _Reid realized. _It's the team, they knew I would be here, they are waiting for me._ The realization made him nearly cry. Painfully, he turned and started to walk slowly back around the corner. He was desperate for it by now, yes, desperate. And now that they were here who knew how long he would have to wait? Reid really did consider going back anyway, hoping that he was wrong or they wouldn't notice him when he was suddenly knocked out of his thoughts by someone shouting his name for the second time that day, and for the second time that day he found himself running away from the person who owned it in a panic. Somehow, he thought, I don't reckon they would have just not noticed me. No drugs for me today, and he sprinted as fast as he could round the corner.

Hotch and Gideon were parked across and down the street from the alleyway they suspected Reid would be visiting soon. Neither of them spoke much.

"This thing is circling the drain now Gideon," Hotch reassured him. "We're going to get him back, and then we can help him through this."

Gideon nodded. "I feel like this is my fault. I saw the signs, even that first night, and I did nothing to help him. He should never have had to feel like he had to do this."

"Jason, you couldn't know. None of us could. This is no one's fault, except Henkel's for putting us all in the position we are in. Reid was upset and confused after that night and in that state he didn't know what it was he wanted. He refused our help and we couldn't force it on him. Now, maybe he will realize he needs our help, and will let us give it to him."

Gideon happened to turn his head at this point, and saw a familiar lanky figure standing just about around the corner, with a cap pulled over his eyes. For a split second he didn't move, and then as the figure turned and started to walk away again he jumped out of the car and called his name. Reid broke into a run and sprinted round the corner, his bosses immediately on his tail. Luck was with him in one small way that night, as Reid ran round the corner of the next block he threw himself in the cab that he noticed had just dropped a fare off there.

"Drive" he panted at the cabbie.

Hotch and Gideon saw what happened with the cab. Hotch ran back to get the car, whilst Gideon was left standing on the street corner, watching him leave. Hotch pulled up beside him and Gideon jumped in but it was too late, they couldn't find the cab again.

"I think I saw the cab number. We can have the cab company check where that fare was sent to" Gideon told Hotch.

Reid barely made it back to his room. He sat on the bathroom floor, shaking. He needed his medicine, so badly. He needed to feel the rush, the overwhelming power of the drug. He needed the mind-numbing peace that it gave him. But he couldn't have any of this though, because he didn't have any. He knew he needed to call Gideon. He wanted to call Gideon. But he couldn't. He couldn't let him see him like this. He felt so guilty. As he sat there shaking on the anonymous linoleum floor of the Hotel Dusk bathroom, lower than a dog, he reflected on the events of the previous days. Slowly, he crawled to the bedroom and picked up the phone, dialling from memory. It picked up on the first ring.

"Gideon?" Reid whispered.

Hotch got off the phone to the cab company.

"They said that that fare was charged to the "Hotel dusk" not far from here"

"Let's go." Jason said, and Hotch started the engine. Breaking the subdued silence, Jason's phone began to ring. He listened for a second.

"Reid?" he whispered, looking worried and relieved. "Reid where are you?"

_Is it just me or did this chapter and the last few feel a bit rushed? I was just reading through them and it felt a bit like that to me but I couldn't think how to fix it. Oh well, please review and tell me what you think. Hope everyone liked this chapter._


	7. Snared

Well here it is folks

_Well here it is folks! I have too much spare time as I am on summer holidays so I am posting as quickly as my muse will let me. Thank you to my lovely reviewers, -waves-, and I hope to have more reviews for this chapter. I pray everyone likes this chapter! Oh, and by the way, I have no idea how long it takes a person to begin having withdrawal symptoms and how addicted people become to drugs, depending on how long they have been using so if any of this is horrifyingly off track, I'm sorry._

_Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Criminal Minds. –sighs-_

"Spencer?" Gideon whispered again when there was no reply. Hotch shot him a worried look and floored the gas.

"I don't know what to do Gideon…I'm so tired, it hurts all over. I don't know what I'm doing any more. My head's all messed up and I can't fix it. I keep hearing them, in my head. It made them be quiet but now there isn't any left and I'm – I'm not strong enough." Reid sounded distraught and started sobbing as he sat there on the floor of the bedroom. "Oh God, Gideon what have I done? I killed those people; I yelled at you, I ran away from all of you, I've had you chasing me all over the country. I'm – I'm so sorry!" The tears just wouldn't stop rolling down his cheeks now that he'd started. He had no idea where all this emotion had come from, but now that he had it he couldn't hold it in any more.

"Reid, Reid, shhh, it's OK. We're on our way; it's going to be OK. You don't have to be sorry Reid. You did nothing wrong." They were nearly there now. "What room are you in Reid? Hotch and I are going to come up and see you." Reid managed to gasp out a reply, he sounded like he was beginning to hyperventilate. Gideon and Hotch burst into Reid's room, and found him sitting on the floor, the phone beside him, sobbing his heart out and breathing shallowly and irregularly. Hotch sat down on the chair a few feet from him, while Gideon sat down beside him, and pulled him into a hug which Reid gratefully returned.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." Reid sobbed into Gideon's shoulder whilst Gideon held him and shushed and told him that it was OK, he had nothing to be sorry about and everything was going to be alright.

They sat like that for maybe an hour, until the shakes from Reid's withdrawals had passed and all his tears were spent. A little while later Gideon realized Reid had fallen asleep.

They gathered up Reid's few possessions, noting the half eaten pizza and the smell of vomit in the bathroom, and put them in the sedan before carrying the still sleeping Reid to the car. Gideon called the rest of the team who were waiting at the precinct and explained to them what had happened, to sighs of relief from the team. Everyone was just glad to have their youngest back under their wing, where they could keep him safe. JJ asked if they would want the plane clearing for take off.

"You can go," Gideon told Hotch "I think he should be checked in at the hospital, just in case and I will stay with him. We can get a commercial flight to D.C." Hotch nodded, not just to confirm what Gideon had said, but also what he hadn't. Reid would need some time away from the rest of the team; it would give them chance to talk. Once what had been decided had been relayed back to the team Hotch put the phone down, and they sat in silence for a minute or two.

"He hasn't been eating. That's something we're going to have to work on as well," Gideon said, glancing back at the unconscious man across the back seat. "He said he wasn't strong enough. Do you think that was to get rid of the drugs or get past this kidnapping?"

"Probably both, but he doesn't have to be, he has us to help him."

It was about now that Reid began to stir, waking up with a pained expression on his face from the soreness in his muscles after his withdrawal from the drugs. He looked confused for a moment, and then reddened with shame when he saw Hotch and Gideon.

"I'm sorry" he whispered again, and looked out the window of the car. There were tears in his eyes, but he didn't cry again.

"Reid" Gideon said softly, and waited until the young man was forced to look at him. "It's OK. We understand. We're not mad, you still have a job, and we aren't going to lock you up in rehab. We just want to help you get through this." Reid nodded at him, maybe a little sadly, maybe a little disbelieving.

"Where are we going?"

"The hospital," Hotch replied, and at Reid's sudden terrified look added "just to make sure you're OK to fly." Reid nodded, looking into the distance. He couldn't meet the eyes of his superiors.

Reid was checked into the hospital, and was told he needed to remain over night for observation and put on a drip since he was dehydrated and in need of food. Gideon said that he would check into a hotel around the corner but in actual fact stayed in the waiting area. When Reid was asleep, the hospital nurses allowed him to creep into Reid's room and watch over him. Gideon had been sat next to him for about an hour when Reid started shaking and crying out in the night, in the middle of a nightmare, and Gideon held him and comforted him until he calmed down again. It was not the shaking or tears that worried Gideon most, but the occasional "I'm sorry, Tobias!" that Reid yelled into the night.

Hotch returned to the airport where he had told the team to prepare the jet, despite protests that they wanted to see Reid. Hotch had managed to control them by telling them in his usual stern voice that Reid was in a fragile state emotionally and he didn't need crowding, especially since he was already so ashamed of himself. This meant that when Hotch reached the jet, they pounced on him.

"How is he?" Morgan asked with the concern etched in his eyes.

"He's in the hospital for overnight observation to get some food in him, and make sure the withdrawal symptoms don't become dangerous." Hotch explained that withdrawal from Dilaudid can cause muscle spasms, among other things, which aren't too bad in muscles in places like the arms, but if his heart was affected it could prove fatal.

"He and Gideon are going to take a commercial flight back when the doctors release him from the hospital, and when he is ready to come back."

JJ sighed deeply. "Oh, I'm so glad we found him. I couldn't imagine what could have happened if…"

"That doesn't matter now. We found him, that's the main thing. He has us to help him from now on. He doesn't have to get by on his own any more." Everyone was relieved to have Reid back, though they were still worried about him, and the atmosphere on the plane was considerably lighter going back than it had been coming in.

Gideon woke the next morning with Reid still sleeping beside him, after him having held him the night before. He slept peacefully, and Gideon couldn't help but smile at the site. He slipped off the bed, careful not to wake the unconscious man. He looked so young and helpless, his emaciated form drowned by the hospital gown and sheet, so that he almost blended into the bed. His cheeks and eyes were definitely sunken. _I'm definitely going to have to talk to him about eating at some point _Gideon thought as he exited the room. He went back to his hotel room around the corner and quickly showered and was back at the hospital by around half six. When Reid woke at just gone seven, he was sitting in the chair at the side of the bed, and smiled as he saw the man stir. Reid sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"Good morning" he said, smiling down on the boy who was so much like a son to him.

"Morning" Reid looked around, re-orientating himself. He lifted himself up on his elbows and asked, still somewhat groggily, "Have the others taken the jet back to Quantico?"

"Yes, it's just us. Do you want some breakfast?"

"Just coffee thanks."

"You must be pretty hungry."

"No, I'm OK." Gideon decided to drop the subject, for now. _Baby steps, Jason _Gideon reminded himself. Whilst Gideon went down to the café for breakfast, Reid changed into something more substantial than the hospital gown. When Gideon returned he was dressed back in his ordinary cords with a shirt and sweater vest, and Gideon smiled at the reincarnation of the old Reid, even in such a superficial form. They drank or ate in silence as slowly as possible, neither one of them wanting to break this moment of peace before the crunch time came, but eventually the food and drink was finished and they had no choice but to begin the dreaded talk.

"So, tell me what happened" Gideon asked simply. The next hour was spent eking as many details as possible out of Reid about what happened to him when he was with Henkel. Reid wouldn't have thought it possible, but he seemed to still have a few tears left inside him and released them when he was talking about the couple that he was still sure he caused the death of, and killing Tobias. Gideon tried to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, but Reid still seemed unconvinced. Reid would not talk about his nightmares yet, and Gideon tried to be understanding. He knew he had to be understanding, that it was still early days and Reid would need time to be able to talk about everything. Reid was also not yet able to tell Gideon why he couldn't eat, if in fact he knew, and he found it almost impossible to talk about the deep seated feelings he had inside him - the anger he felt, but wasn't sure why; the guilt that lay impossibly heavy inside him; how scared he had been trapped in that cabin, never knowing who it would he would meet and the unshakeable feeling that he should have been able to save those poor people. He could not admit any of this, not even to his mentor, who he could so often talk about anything to. But the most difficult thing for him to even think about was admitting was how, secretly, he _had_ wanted the drugs – and he still did.

"It's alright Reid, we're here for you. You don't have to do this on your own."

"I know you are, Gideon, but I don't know if I can be strong enough. Not just about Henkel and those poor people, about the drugs too…It was so hard when I had that seizure in the motel room, and it will only get worse."

"I'll be there when it happens. I'd like to come and stay with you for a while if that's OK with you." Reid nodded. "I'd like that."

The doctors said it was alright for Reid to be discharged, as long as he promised to eat and take it easy for a while, which he did, and Gideon backed-up. They made the trip to the airport in a comfortable silence. Gideon looked over at him in the back of the cab and asked if he was OK.

"Yeah, Gideon, I'm good. I'm going home."

Reid knew that he was a long way from being good, but for the first time since Henkel knocked him over the head in that field he felt like he would be OK. Well, he did for now.

_Hee hee, sorry couldn't resist. I hope this felt a little less rushed than previous chapters, and that you liked it. Oh, and by the way, people who review get brownie points for heaven if you catch my drift :D_


	8. Blue and Red

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers, brownie points to you

_Thank you to all my lovely reviewers, brownie points to you!_

_Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds_

The plane ride back to Virginia was pretty much uneventful. Reid slept on the plane and refused his dinner, although he did eat the peanuts and shortly thereafter hurried to the bathroom and vomited them back up, which Gideon knew. Reid returned to his seat looking pale. His hands shook continually and he was sweating.

"Everything OK?" Gideon asked with a look of concern in his eyes. Reid merely nodded and curled his knees up to his chest on the chair. The withdrawals had exhausted him. His muscles ached all over. More than anything, he just wanted to make them go away. But that wasn't about to happen. Soon after that he was asleep with his head on Gideon's shoulder.

"Reid, Reid, we're here. Wake up." Gideon shook the young man slightly and he woke up with a groan. Fortunately the shakes had passed for now and Reid was relatively able to walk in a straight line off the plane. Well, until they had just picked up their bags from baggage claim and a wave of faintness suddenly washed over him. He stumbled slightly, and then nearly fell over. Gideon caught him and, spotting a nearby bench, guided him over to it. He made Reid bend over and put his head between his knees, until he could move his head without the world rocking.

"You need to eat" was all Gideon said, and handed him a cup of hot, very sweet coffee from a café nearby. Reid nodded and sipped the sweet drink in silence. When he felt up to it they walked to Gideon's car. The drive back to Reid's apartment was made in silence, until when they were almost at Reid's apartment building; he suddenly looked up and said softly:

"Gideon? Thank you for doing all this for me. I can't tell you how much it means to me."

As they pulled into a parking space, Gideon smiled over at him and said, "Hey, what else are friends for? Come on, let's get inside."

Garcia had been in and left flowers on every surface and jammed the cupboards full of food. The mess he had made leaving had been cleared up. The house was clean, and smelt fresh and light. There was an entertainment system installed under a new TV and all of his remaining books and files on the floors and surfaces had been cleared away. The early morning sunlight streamed in through the windows and gave everything a honey coloured glow. It was about 7:30.

"Go on, you go and get yourself a shower and I will make breakfast," his tone leaving no room for discussion.

Rid looked better after the shower. His head, which had felt like his brain was trying to escape from it, was now clear with the headache just a dull pounding at the back of his mind. Reid pulled on some comfy clothes, and joined Gideon in the kitchen. The smell of the scrambled eggs and buttered toast made even Reid's mouth water. Gideon placed a not too large plateful in front of him, not wanting to over face him. Reid was starving, his stomach's loud grumbles told him that, and the food smelt delicious, but he wasn't sure if he could stand the feel of it in his mouth. Gideon sat across from him and started eating, not saying anything but watching him out of the corner of his eye. Reid knew he had to try. He ate slowly, in small amounts to let his stomach adjust to the unfamiliar sensation. Gradually, he worked his way through the entire meal, and Gideon smiled, satisfied.

Before Reid could think about trying to dash off to the bathroom, Gideon sneakily asked him if he would help him clear up. As the food sat longer in his stomach, Reid felt less and less nauseous. Gideon could see this but wasn't fooled. Eating one good meal doesn't mean he would make it a habit.

Reid was just sitting down in his favourite chair to read a book when it came. He could feel the sick dizziness in his head begin to grow again. He was going to have another of the fits. Not wanting Gideon to see him like that again, Reid made an excuse and headed for the bathroom, wobbling slightly. He closed the door behind him, and as soon as he was out of sight began trembling uncontrollably. He lowered himself down against the door, trying to quiet the sobs which so desperately wanted to break free of his lips. He was shaking more violently than any of the previous attacks, and his muscles screamed in protest. Slowly he crawled over to the corner of the room and wedged himself sitting upright in the angle between the two walls. He sat there, sobbing silently, and prayed for it to end.

Gideon waited a minute or two, and then softly knocked on the bathroom door. He had seen the look in Spencer's eyes and knew what was happening. He could hear the muffled sobs from inside the room and tried to talk to the boy.

"Spencer, it's OK. You can open the door. You don't have to do this on your own. Let me help you."

Gideon could hear him crying and then a tiny, miserable "Go away, Gideon."

"It's OK, you don't have to be ashamed…I'm going to open the door now, alright?" He heard nothing but continued sobbing as the door swung open. Reid was curled up in a ball, as small as he could get, in the corner of the room. It looked like he was actually trying to just disappear into the blue and red tiles behind him. Gideon sat down slowly beside him and put an arm around his shoulders. The muffled snivels erupted into all out sobbing, and the boy tried to lean over and put his head on his shoulder, but the pain in his muscles was so great it hurt to breathe, never mind actually move.

"Why did he do this to me? Why did he do this to me?"

Gideon shushed him and tried to comfort him. He gathered him up off the cold floor and carried him into the bedroom then put him between the warm, soft sheets since the boy was in no state to get himself there on his own. It took about an hour for the effects to finally stop, and when Reid was feeling better he asked Gideon if he wanted a shower. Since the older man didn't feel like showering Reid told his mentor that he was going to run a bath. Reid did need to soothe his aching muscles, but mostly he needed thinking time.

Reid ran the bath and got undressed, listening to Gideon pottering around in the lounge. When the bath was run, he turned off the water and shut the door. Sinking into the hot water, Reid began to form his plan of action. Reid had been thinking as he lay there on the bed next to Gideon. He couldn't keep doing this, withdrawing like he was. He knew that it wouldn't just be the hard week of immediate withdrawals he had ahead of him, but the cravings he would get months, years later, maybe forever. There was only one remedy for it. He knew he just had to be careful, if he set himself rules and never broke them he would be able to just keep it at bay, so that he wouldn't end up losing control of it. He felt terrible for what he was thinking of doing to Gideon, who had helped him so much, but he knew he wasn't strong enough to hold out against it, even with Gideon. He had to at least take control of it. He was doing the right thing.

When Reid was done with his bath, he went back to reading with Gideon. He did his best to try and make the man happy. He smiled at him and talked, helped him cook dinner and even ate some of it and kept it down. He had to do something to assuage the guilt inside him at betraying the man, who had for so long looked out for him, because part of him, deep inside, knew he was lying to himself.

Reid knew he had three main points to consider: he had to get the medicine, needles and tubing to use the drugs; he had to work out how much to take and how often to just about keep the cravings and symptoms under control, but most importantly he had to make sure no one knew about the first two points. Reid knew he would have to go out to get supplies and really didn't want to wait the weeks Gideon would be living with him until the older man decided it was OK to leave him unattended. Therefore he needed a legitimate reason for going out on his own whilst Gideon was still here.

They were sat watching television, a safari documentary, that night when Reid decided to make his move.

"Gideon, will you be going back to work tomorrow?"

Gideon looked at him sharply, instantly alert. "Why?"

"It's just that I've made the team waste a lot of time away from work over the past couple of days, and I don't want to keep you away even longer." Gideon reassured him that he was fine being here until Reid was ready, but he could tell the older man was still suspicious so Reid didn't push it. OK, so that hadn't worked. Getting Gideon back to work would have been the safest option but now he would have to put the considerably more risky plan B into action tomorrow.

They carried on watching television again, neither of them really seeing the screen, when suddenly Reid asked another random question.

"Gideon, do I still have a job?"

Gideon sighed and turned off the TV, turning to look at him.

"Why do you think you don't have a job?"

"Because I'm on drugs, I should be fired according to company policy."

"You were on drugs Reid."

"Sorry, that's what I meant." Gideon looked a little concerned, but didn't say anything. After all, He'd been with Reid the whole day; he couldn't have gotten any more drugs.

"Yes, you still have a job Reid. You didn't choose to take the drugs, and after your ordeal you were unstable emotionally and made some wrong decisions while you weren't thinking clearly. We just need to get you through this. Of course you will have to take drugs tests and have a psychological evaluation, but don't worry. You have as long as you need to get better." Reid tried to look relieved instead of showing what he was really thinking at the mention of drugs tests.

_OK, so that isn't good_ Reid thought to himself. The Psych evaluation wasn't a problem but the drugs test definitely was. He knew he had to keep taking the medication, but obviously couldn't have it show up on a drugs test. He just had to find a way to get around the drugs test, then…

_Bit shorter than my usual but it felt like a good place to end it. Hope you like!_


	9. Transference

Ooh, here goes

_Ooh, here goes. Bit nervous about this, hope it goes down well. Enjoy, I hope, and of course please review. Thank you to the lovely people who already have. I don't want to give it all away but feel I need to warn you: contains mild slash and suicide if these are problems for you, duck and run._

_Disclaimer: I don't own any part of CM_

Reid woke up to find the sky already light. He had slept late, after being up most of the night because of nightmares. _Nothing new there then _Reid thought sarcastically. He got up and pulled on his dressing gown and wandered into the kitchen. Gideon was making breakfast. It looked like he had already showered. They had slept in the same bed after Reid had been too scared to be on his own.

"Morning" Reid greeted him, in what he hoped was a peppy voice, despite the empty, anxious but somehow squirming feeling inside him.

Gideon turned and smiled at him. "Good morning. How are you feeling?"

"Not too bad actually" Reid replied positively, and it wasn't even a lie, because he didn't feel bad, he just wasn't really sure what he was feeling.

Reid couldn't squash the wiggle of guilt and anxiety inside him as he thought about what he had planned, but he reassured himself that he was doing the right thing – and a small part of him even believed it.

Gideon could see something was wrong with Spencer. He was trying too hard to seem happy and normal, and when he spoke to him there had been that look in his eye again, the same as last night after he had come out of the bath. Gideon thought back to the events before that and, although he hated it, didn't find it hard to follow his younger colleague's thoughts. This was why Spencer's suggestion that he wanted to get some fresh air and take a walk on his own later made Gideon feel sad and hurt but not surprised. _Poor, stupid boy_ he thought sadly to himself.

"Why don't I come with you?" He had to at least give the boy a chance to change his mind.

"Erm, no, I think I need some time to myself if that's alright with you."

Gideon nodded silently, trying not to let his eyes betray his feelings. He needn't have bothered; Spencer was examining the patch of wall behind Jason's left shoulder with fixed determination. Reid seemed distracted, and not quite in the room. They finished their breakfasts in almost silence, each too consumed in their own thoughts and feelings. Reid wanted to try and be good for Gideon, his guilt so strong by now that he felt like he might be sick, but he managed to force down a few forkfuls of his fried breakfast. Once Reid was done with breakfast, he thanked Gideon for preparing the meal and offered to clean up but Gideon sent him off for a shower. Whilst Reid showered Gideon debated whether or not to call Hotch about his suspicions, but decided against it. He had no proof. For all he knew Reid really did want to take a walk and his strange behaviour was just a normal reaction to what he had been through. He had to get proof either way.

It was around 4 o'clock that afternoon when Reid had said he was going to take that walk. Gideon noticed that he didn't quite meet his eyes when he said goodbye and the jacket he was wearing had deep pockets - plenty deep pockets. Gideon waited until he saw Reid round the corner then grabbed his own coat and headed out the door.

Reid was walking, but he didn't feel quite like it was him walking, it was like he was watching through someone else's eyes the feet that looked like his own pound on the pavement in front of him. But they couldn't be his, because he didn't feel them hit the ground. The traffic on the road seemed impossibly loud. He stopped and watched the cars pass. They were so close, just a few feet between such different worlds. He imagined what would happen if he just stepped out now. There would be the squeal of brakes, breaking the world around them. Some people would be screaming, hysterical, others not quite realizing what had happened. The distraught driver would be launching themselves out from behind the wheel, hands on their head – unable to comprehend what they had done. And there would be him, Dr. Spencer Reid. He knew that when people hit cars they are designed to throw the person over them, rather than drag them along. He wondered how it would feel. Would it hurt? Would he feel anything? Would he just register that suddenly there was no ground beneath him, and his limbs were flying everywhere, before – nothing? Such a small action, with such a massive effect.

Or he could just keep walking, and leave the calm of the day undisturbed.

Reid wasn't even particularly upset to find that he really had to make the decision to keep walking, that he didn't immediately know the answer. This life was too hard. He loved Gideon, more than anything in the world and he could not bear to hurt the man. But the alternative, the fight, was just too hard. He was just so exhausted.

He found his way to the side of the building near him, and let himself slide down the wall. He stared out at the cars, and realized that the one thing he knew he wanted was Gideon. And miraculously, there he was.

Gideon saw the young man stop, staring out at the traffic, worlds away. And he knew what he was thinking. Even from this distance, he could see how tired and, exhausted, he looked. Like gravity was pulling him down towards the ground, forcing his shoulders to droop and his head to hang with his arms by his sides, limp. He stood there, transfixed, for maybe ten minutes Jason would guess. He made his way slowly nearer, just in case the boy decided to do it, and was relieved when he sat down leaning against the wall. He watched the young boy's eyes, so sad and so deep, and knew what it was he wanted. He stepped forwards until he was kneeling directly in front of Reid, and took his hands. The boy started to shake with silent tears. Gideon pulled him close for a minute or two, and when it looked like he could stand pulled him up to walk slowly back to Reid's apartment. Once they were inside, Reid just curled up on the sofa. He wasn't actually crying, more like panting. The emotion was too much for him to speak through, so he just sat by Gideon and looked in his eyes and it was enough to tell the older everything he was feeling. Reid couldn't stop looking at Gideon, at his big, deep, kind eyes that would never hurt him. He couldn't stop staring into them. Here was the man who had always stood by him and looked out for him, and Reid felt something inside when he looked at those eyes, but couldn't tell what it was. It happened quickly. Gideon leant over with his left hand to hold Reid's right shoulder and pull him into a hug, when Reid leant over and kissed him quickly on the lips.

_Eek! Hope I haven't made a big mistake here! Please give feedback. Sorry this is so much shorter by the way, but it felt right to have it this length._


	10. When You Are Old

Ooh, raise your hand if you want to know what Gideon and Reid do

When you are old

_Sorry about the delay on this, this chapter was difficult to write, I didn't want it to be too clichéd and I wanted to try and portray the emotions correctly-I hope I've succeeded. Hope you all like it. Thank you to my lovely reviewers and new reviewers are always welcome! :D_

Gideon looked shocked, his eyes wide as he realized what had just happened. Reid was still close to him, and he tried to gently push him away a little, but as Gideon leaned back Spencer shot forward again, and tried to kiss him again.

"Spencer…"

There were tears in Reid's eyes. He just wanted Gideon to do this, to hold him and make him feel alright again, make him feel like the world wasn't so heavy, and he wasn't so empty.

"Please, Gideon…" Gideon looked down into the moist pleading eyes with him; they looked so sad, and desperate.

"No, this isn't what you want." Gideon pushed the young man down on the pillows of the sofa again and slid back a little, but not too far that he couldn't still put his arm around the boy.

"It is," the young man answered, "Please Gideon, I want you."

"No Reid, you want comfort. I can give you comfort, I'll never leave you. But I can't give you that. You're not in a stable state of mind. What you're feeling…It's not you."

Reid tried one last time, pleading with him. "Please, Gideon."

Gideon pushed him away, more firmly this time and told him, in a stern tone "No, Spencer." Reid looked sadly up at him once more and then turned to the side of Gideon, wrapping his arms around himself and shuffling away from the man who had just rejected him.

Gideon shook his head, and looked sadly down at the dejected young man in front of him, who now wouldn't meet his eyes. But he still saw the tears welling in them. He just wanted to hug him, and make him feel not so alone, but he knew this was the worst thing to do. It would send the wrong message.

"Reid I'm sorry, I do care about you, just not in that way." Reid nodded silently. Gideon sighed. "I need to call Hotch, I'll ask him to come over. He needs to see how you are, and talk to you." Neither of them acknowledged the unspoken inference of what Reid had considered just a few minutes ago out on that road. Spencer simply nodded again, his head hanging. Gideon got up and went to find the phone and then he shut himself in the kitchen so Reid would not hear the conversation.

Reid sat on the couch, knees pulled up to his chest. So that was it then. He really was alone. He had wanted Gideon so badly, needed him so badly – and he had rejected him. He needed the comfort, he needed the closeness of it after being alone for so long. He just needed to be saved from those voices, screaming at him wherever he went, accusing him. And Gideon would not help him. He knew exactly what he wanted, he wasn't unstable, and couldn't help thinking that Gideon knew that, and had rejected him anyway even though he didn't want to think it. The sense of loss inside him was so great, he felt like he was being sucked in, drawn in to some terrible chasm deep inside him. And he dreaded what would happen when it did. It felt like he couldn't breathe, and he had never felt more alone sitting on that couch in that empty, silent room, not even when he had been left alone in that cabin. If there was no Gideon, no love, to pull him away from that chasm, Reid knew he would drown in the feelings inside it, slowly and painfully until it ate away at him and he could think of only one way to stop the inevitable pain. They were right, of course. Drugs don't take away the pain. No amount of Dilaudid would stop this. _I'm sorry Gideon, Mom, Hotch, everyone._ Reid got up and walked slowly to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.

"I think he was thinking of stepping out in front of the cars, Hotch." Gideon said into the little silver phone at his ear.

"But he didn't?"

"No, he sat down against the wall. He was thinking about it, though."

"Where is he now?"

"I left him in the lounge. He looked pretty out of it."

"What was he even doing out there?"

"He said he was going for a walk but he was acting so strangely last night and this morning, I didn't believe him." Hotch sighed.

"You think he was going for more drugs?"

"Yes, that's why I decided to follow him."

"But he didn't actually try and kill himself?"

"No." There was a pause from Gideon. "There's something else as well, Hotch."

"What is it?"

"He tried to kiss me; he did kiss me, once." Gideon could tell from the silence on the other end of the phone that Hotch was gobsmacked.

"When?"

"Just now in the living room. We walked back to the apartment and I sat him on the sofa. I was just about to hug him and he just leaned over and did it. I told him no and that he didn't really want that, but he just looked at me so sadly and desperately, Hotch. He really does think that's what he wants, and what he needs."

Hotch paused a minute. "Transference?" he asked, a short while later.

"I think so."

"Maybe he should stay with me instead, until he's thinking clearly again."

"I think that's a good idea. He may also be developing Bulimia."

"PTSD?"

"Maybe that's why, but I think also because of the guilt. He blames himself for what happened to that couple, and Henkel. He thinks he should have saved them."

Hotch sighed and Gideon could imagine him shaking his head.

"He needs professional help, especially if he's feeling suicidal. We need to get him to see a doctor. What about the drugs? How's he coping without them?"

"The withdrawals are bad, very bad. I think that's why he wanted to buy more drugs, to stop the withdrawals. He started acting strangely after his last episode."

"I'm coming to see you now. I'll be there in twenty."

"OK." Gideon hung up and opened the kitchen door. "Spencer? Hotch is…" Gideon stopped short. Reid wasn't sat on the couch where he had left him. "Spencer?" Gideon started to search the apartment, but found nothing until he discovered the bathroom door was locked. Possibilities streaming through his mind, Gideon knocked loudly on the door. "Spencer?" No answer. He knocked even louder. "Spencer!" Still no answer. Gideon hammered on the door, sweat pouring down his back and face, but still hearing no signs of life, he shouldered open the door. Gideon barged into the room and for a second froze. He took in everything in the room at what seemed an impossibly slow speed but was in fact a split-second. His eyes finally came to rest on the boy slumped between the toilet and bathtub, but he soon sprang into action. Gideon moved as fast as he could across the small room, feeling like even the air was holding him back and grabbed the wrists of the young man sitting catatonic in front of him.

"Spencer? Spencer? Can you hear me? Don't worry; you're going to be OK. You're going to be OK." He reached up and quickly grabbed a couple of towels off the rack, tying them quickly and tightly around the vicious slashes down the arms of the boy. Then he picked up his phone from the floor where he had dropped it and called 911. He spoke quickly to the operator, giving the address they were at and what had happened. The dispatcher told him the ambulance was five minutes away. As Gideon hung on the line, whilst trying to reassure the young man in front of him, if in fact he could hear him, Gideon's eyes strayed to the floor around them. They were surrounded by a slowly growing sea of blood, despite the towels, and Gideon tried to press on the wrists while still holding the phone. After a second, he realized he could put the device on speaker and set it down outside the pool of blood. The sticky substance was dark - a rich, thick scarlet and it was viscous and syrupy. It clung to the razor blade beside the young man in thick drops, and Gideon could feel it beginning to dry on his hands, making the skin stiff and inflexible. If this weren't such a nightmare situation, Gideon thought absently to himself, the morbid sight would have been strangely beautiful, in its own sick way. The smell was overpowering. Most people can imagine what the scene would _look_ like, but few people realize just how terrible the smell is. It was so strong that Gideon could taste the copper on his tongue, and at the back of his throat. It was so thick in the air it was overwhelming and made Gideon slightly dizzy. Gideon sat in a horrified trance at the nightmare he was in and prayed the ambulance would get here soon.

Reid felt the blade slice his arm the second time, this time on the right, and dropped it. It had taken all of his will power after doing his left to then pick the blade up by the fingers which already had blood oozing through them and slash the second time, but it was done now. The pain was terrible, but he felt relieved, ecstatic, like he could have jumped and flown right through the roof to the stars above him, which if the preachers were right he might be seeing soon, depending on if he'd been naughty or nice. Reid giggled at the thought that after this he would go to heaven, and thinking about heaven made him think about Tobias. Poor Tobias. He had let him down. Well if Tobias was right he and his mother could look down on Reid and his Father like Lazarus and the rich man. It was the least Reid deserved after what he had done. Lines from a poem began to drift into Reid's head. _When you are old and grey and full of sleep, and nodding by the fire… and dream of the soft look your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep…and bending down beside the glowing bars, murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled… and hid his face amid a crowd of stars. That's strange,_ Reid thought. _I can't remember some of that poem. I know I should. Was it by Yeats or Keats? Why don't I know? Come to think of it, why am I thinking of poetry at a time like this?_ Reid tried to laugh but he couldn't, for some reason his body would not do as he told it. _Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore, does it? _At this thought Reid was seized by the desperate urge to laugh again. _I'm finally going to stop all this! That's if I don't go to hell like Tobias said. Good bye bullies, goodbye Mom, goodbye Gideon, goodbye Hotch, goodbye Morgan…speaking of Gideon, there he is!_ Reid struggled to look at his past mentor; the room was far too dim. _Hi, Gideon! Look, sorry to do this to you, but since it doesn't look like you really want me I've decided to take matters into my own hands as you can probably tell and found my own comfort. I'm sorry to do this to you, but I'm not sorry about doing this…_Reid's mind was getting very muddled. He was back with his Daddy at a kiddies park, sliding down an enormous slide into his Dad's waiting arms-Now he was a little bigger, he was at school, high school by the looks of it and he was picking himself up after being kicked down by the older boys-Then he was at University, making his way through his mountain of work which he could understand but didn't have enough hands to do. The memories flooded through his mind, so fast he could barely comprehend them. Some of them were painful; actually a lot of them were so Reid was glad when they finally started to go as everything went dark. As he finally faded away, Reid managed one last coherent thought. _I'm sorry._

Finally, after Gideon had had enough time alone in the blood filled room with the barely breathing young man to work himself to near hysteria, the female voice which issued from the little device on the floor nearby told him the paramedics were on site. Gideon released the blood soaked towels and rushed to open the door. This was all happening a little fast for Gideon. They rushed in the room and demanded to know where the casualty was, and Gideon pointed towards the bathroom with a blood encrusted hand which shook badly. Before he knew it, shouts were being issued for all sorts of things. A tube was forced down Reid's throat to help him breathe and his wrists were tied off with something a little more effective than towels. In what seemed like seconds they were rushing out of the door again, this time with Reid in tow on the stretcher. Hotch chose this moment to arrive and looked shocked by the scene unfolding in front of him. He witnessed the end of the show, with Reid being pushed out the door with the paramedics, followed by the dazed Jason.

"Jason! What the hell happened?"

"He slit his wrists whilst I was on the phone to you." Jason replied distractedly. He seemed to be in shock.

"What! Is he going to be OK?"

"I don't know. There was so much blood, Hotch." Hotch took charge of the situation.

"OK, I'll take you to the hospital now so we can check on Reid; we can get you cleaned up there. Don't worry Jason. He's going to be alright, but he needs us with him" This seemed to snap Gideon out of his trance.

"Yes, of course. Come on, lets go." They threw themselves in Hotch's car, ignoring the paramedic trying to check Gideon over and floored it to the hospital. Hotch drove whilst Gideon called the rest of the team to have them meet them there, telling them what Reid had done and nothing else.

They arrived at the hospital just in time to see Reid being wheeled into surgery. The employee they spoke to said that Reid's condition was critical but stable for now and asked them to take a seat. A cloth was brought for Jason to clean his hands with and he sat mechanically rubbing at his hands with it, both of them sitting in shocked silence. The rest of the team filtered in one after another, all of them in various degrees of distress. Morgan came first, storming through the door and nearly knocking over a slow to react nurse. He strode over to them, the worry and guilt etched all over his face.

"What happened? Where is he? How is he?"

Hotch stood up to calm his distraught subordinate. "He's in surgery, we don't know how he is yet, and we'll explain everything when the others arrive."

"The others" arrived soon after Morgan. The girls were all together, having been getting a drink together in a bar after work to try and calm down after the excitement of the last few days and talk. JJ and Garcia had red, puffy eyes and Prentiss looked distressed, as if she needed a good cry. Once they were all gathered in the hospital waiting room, Hotch began to explain everything he knew of what happened, since Jason didn't look like he fancied talking at the moment. His revelations were met with shocked and sad faces.

"Oh God, poor Reid. It must have been so hard for him. All that guilt he must have had, I should have called or visited or…" JJ put her head in her hands and looked like she was going to cry. Moran looked guilty and furious, probably with himself, but for once didn't punch anything. Instead he sat down on one of the orange plastic chairs, leaning his elbows on his knees.

"I shouldn't have left him alone" Gideon suddenly piped up. Hotch sighed and stood up in front of all of them.

"Maybe we all could have done more to help Reid but it doesn't matter, it's already done, we will just have to try and help him through this now." The whole team looked at Hotch, dismayed by the brutal truth of his words, and the fact that they realized he was exactly right. There was nothing they could do to stop what was happening. They just had to ride it.

"We need to get him help, from a professional. Maybe he should be put in a hospital for a while, to help him with this eating disorder as well." No one voiced the other unsaid reason, but everyone thought it. _Or in case he tries to do this again._

"That's if he makes it" Everyone turned to look at Penelope, who had been silent so far, shocked at the words. The occasional tear ran down her face and she didn't bother to wipe them away. Morgan opened his mouth to tell her Reid would be alright, and to think positive. Hotch wanted to tell her that Reid's chances were good, and they had to keep believing in him. JJ turned to hug her and try and reassure her. But they all found that the words they wanted to say stuck in their throats, no matter how much they wanted to believe them. Fortunately, or unfortunately, the awkward silence was broken by a cough from a tall, dark haired doctor.

"Erm, a Doctor Reid, is it?" The look on his face was grave.

_Well, here it is. A day of banging my head against a brick wall and this was all I could come up with. I tried to do the story line justice, but I know it could be better. Oh well, I tried my best. I hope it's OK. If anyone has any suggestions on how it could be improved drop me a line and I might rewrite it. Oh, and if this is a very predictable chapter, I'm sorry for that as well._


	11. Hospital, take one

Hospital, take one

Hospital, take one

_Right, here's the story: I had two ideas which I really liked and wanted to continue, and I couldn't decide which one to write. So I wrote both. This is "take one", "take two" should be up sometime tonight or tomorrow, and maybe its continuations soon after that… Well, here goes nothing, hope I don't ruin a good thing…if so I can fix it…thank you to my lovely reviewers, have a biscuit all of you :D, and, well, I hope everyone enjoys the story :D_

_Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of CM._

Hotch and Morgan nodded silently.

"Would you all like to take a seat?" Panic woke in Morgan's eyes.

"What the hell for?" He took a step forward menacingly.

"Derek" Hotch croaked. "Sit down." Their faces felt numb, the colour had drained from them. Their hands were cold and yet began to sweat.

"I'm so sorry to tell you this," the doctor said, the look on his face deepening, "But Dr. Reid was lost on the operating table whilst in surgery. The blood loss he sustained was too great and when his heart failed it could not be started again. We tried our best to revive him, but it was too late. I'm so sorry for your loss."

A shocked silence followed his words, as if no one quite believed what they'd just heard. It stretched out for a few seconds, and then shattered as the scene was thrown into chaos.

Morgan launched himself at the doctor, swearing at him and throwing him against the wall. Hotch and Gideon made no attempts to calm their out of control agent. They both sat in stunned silence. Slowly, Gideon dropped his head into his hands as the tears began to roll down his cheeks silently. The women started howling into their hands, and whilst Prentiss completely dropped the tough persona she had been carrying and let her tears flow unchallenged, JJ and Garcia launched themselves off the chairs in search of Reid. As hospital security was called to subdue the distraught Morgan, who had by now broken the doctor's nose, nurses tried to calm the women. JJ looked to be on the verge of a panic attack. Garcia sobbed into Prentiss's shoulder. Morgan struggled and howled on the floor beneath the security, swearing at everyone with every terrible word he could think of as the tears leaked out of the edges of his eyes. Even as the pandemonium raged around them, Gideon and Hotch sat oblivious. They were lost in their own grief and guilt.

Eventually the distraught adults were calmed and they sat, silent and unmoveable as they thought of Reid's body being wheeled down to the morgue - a cold, crushing tomb, so unlike the warm, gentle boy they knew, they had known. They shook as they thought about the boy already rotting beneath them, who had so suddenly been ripped from them. Just two weeks ago, that corpse had been an enthusiastic, happy, healthy young man. How could it all have gone so wrong? What did they do wrong? What should they have done? How were they ever going to carry on from this? With no answers o their questions, and no one to blame but themselves, the team slowly drifted to empty homes and empty beds, and tried to cry themselves to sleep but couldn't, because no tears could express what they felt. They didn't talk about what happened to each other, ever, but moved like ghosts in the world around them, with the sadness and guilt heavy on their souls. They felt the coldness inside of them, and they knew. They knew that they would never be the same again.

Jason Gideon was found hung in his cabin in the woods six months after Spencer Reid's death; a picture of the two of them stained with tears and a small piece of paper saying "I'm sorry" were his only notes. He did not try and contact any of his team before he stepped off the chair.

Aaron Hotchner, Derek Morgan and Jennifer Jereau cried no more tears for the loss of Reid after that day in the hospital, and none for that of Jason Gideon. They never truly recovered from either event, and although they tried to lead a normal life, they knew in their hearts that would never feel again. Every relationship they tried to build crumbled to ashes, and they were left to find comfort from drink, or drugs, or meetings in dark alleyways.

Penelope Garcia and Emily Prentiss both transferred from the BAU. They never spoke of their pain to anyone and carried on as if nothing was wrong, but like their remaining team members they knew they would never recover fully from it.

The team spent the rest of its life in mourning.

Spencer Reid's mother was contacted after her son's death, but when told the news, simply replied "Who's Spencer?"

_Anyone crying? I hope so, it means I've succeeded. As I previously mentioned I have a "Take two" started but not completed. It should be up tonight or tomorrow. As I said, I hope this made you sad. Please give feedback._


	12. Hospital, take two

Hospital take 2

Hospital take 2

_OK, this one isn't as cold, it should hopefully go down a little better. Hope you all like it :D_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, since I have no OC's in this. _

The team turned to look at the doctor, the fear in them written all over your faces.

"There were a few complications in the surgery, we lost him once but he is back with us." The strange group looked visibly relieved. "He's asleep right now, but his condition is stable. If you want to see him, you may. I have to warn you, he's restrained for his own safety." The last sentence brought them all back to earth with an unpleasant bump, their momentary relief forgotten. Everybody looked at Gideon, but he turned to Hotch.

"He's had enough of me in the past few days, why don't you see him first?" Hotch nodded and followed the tall doctor to Reid's room. The room had a window so most of the team went to go and watch, but Gideon stayed in the waiting area, running his hand through his hair.

Hotch approached the hospital bed softly, as though the boy might wake, or break, if he made too much noise. He began to speak softly to his young subordinate.

"Hey, Reid…you gave us all a scare there for a while. I know you can't hear me, but I just wanted to tell you that we're all worried about you, and that we care about you. We're here for you when you wake up. We want to help you through this, Reid. Please let us help you." He sat looking down at the frail man in front of him, his cheeks sunken and his arms even skinnier than usual. He caught sight of the fake sheep skin binds holding Reid's wrists to the bed so that he couldn't hurt himself and hung his head in an uncharacteristic move for the senior agent. How could this all have happened so fast? Just a fortnight ago this had been an enthusiastic, happy, healthy young man and now…Hotch shook his head at the thought. It was amazing how quickly, and how easily a person can be broken. Damn Henkel! If Reid hadn't already shot him…Hotch's thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. It was the doctor.

"Agent Hotchner, would you mind stepping out again? The man needs his rest. He should be awake by tomorrow morning and you can talk to him again then." Hotch nodded and with a final glance at the form on the bed, he stood and walked out of the room. The rest of the team were outside the door, minus Gideon.

"How is he?" Prentiss asked.

"He's resting; I don't think he can hear us. The doctor told me he should be awake by tomorrow morning and we can see him then."

"They tied him to the goddamn bed" Morgan said regretfully, and punched the wall.

"How could this have happened?" Garcia croaked through her raw throat.

"We have to help him. We can't leave him like this. He needs to see a doctor." JJ demanded, not taking her eyes off the man in the window. She had felt guilty when Reid first came back, but now that she had had time to think once he came back, she realized this wasn't her fault. She had done the right thing, this was all Henkel's fault and that knowledge just made her more determined to help Reid. The only thing she had wrong was not supporting Reid once he came back, and she wasn't going to make that mistake again.

"Come on, we need rest too. We can get booked in a hotel near here and come back tomorrow." The team nodded in agreement.

Hotch had gone to find Gideon. He was no longer in the waiting room and Hotch found him in the men's room, splashing water on his face.

"Are you alright, Jason?" Gideon nodded mutely. "You know this isn't your fault, right?"

"How wasn't it? I shouldn't have left him alone. I knew how he was feeling and I left him alone, after rejecting him. I should have stayed with him."

"Gideon, you had to talk to me and you couldn't have him listening. You were only away from him for two minutes at most. You couldn't know this would happen." Hotch sighed. "Come on, I'm booking us rooms in a hotel nearby. We can sleep there tonight and come back early tomorrow."

"No, I'm going to stay here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'll see you tomorrow."

The rest of the team made their way to the hotel as Gideon settled down next to the young man on the bed in an uncomfortable chair. He sat back as he watched the man sleep with tears welling in his eyes and thought about what would have happened if he had been longer on the phone. Fortunately Reid didn't have nightmares in his drug induced sleep and slept right through the night. Sleep came harder for Gideon.

When Reid woke, his head was killing him. The light was too bright; he had to screw his eyes up against it. He tried to think where he was but couldn't. He didn't know what day he was. He didn't know what he was doing here, wherever here was. Slowly, aided by the growing discomfort in his arms, Reid remembered what happened, and groaned.

"Morning."

Reid jumped at the unexpected noise. He turned to see Gideon sitting next to him. He turned over, or at least tried to when he realized there were straps holding him to the bed. He was shocked for a moment, but tried to hide it from the older man.

"Please, Gideon. Just leave me alone."

"I can't Reid. I care about you too much."

"You've shown how much you care about me."

"Reid, that's not true, and you know it. I do love you, but like a son. I couldn't do that to you. What you think you're feeling isn't true. You know about transference. That's what this is."

"How do you know that, Gideon? I've felt like this for so long, this just made me realize it." He wanted to reach out and take the older mans hand, to pull him close and kiss him and feel the warmth of the soft, tanned skin against his own, but he couldn't. There was so much he couldn't do.

Gideon could see the look in the boy's eyes, and it made him cry inside. He shook his head sadly.

"We want you to see a doctor, to help you. About this, and about the drugs and your not eating."

"We?"

"Hotch and I. We want you to live with Hotch, until you're through this."

"Rejecting me again, are you."

"Please Reid, it's not a rejection. I just don't think that I'm the best person to be watching you right now. I do care about you Reid. I just don't want that from you."

"Can you take these things off?"

"No, I'm sorry, I can't. We can only take them if we're sure you're not going to try something like that again."

"How could I with you breathing down my neck?"

"I'm sorry, Spencer, they can't come off."

"Just leave me alone Gideon."

Gideon tried in vain to get Spencer to talk to him again, so eventually stood and told him "Alright Spencer, if that's what you want I'll leave you alone." No reply. He sighed and began to walk to the door. Just as the door was about to close Gideon turned and whispered back to his young colleague "I was terrified at the thought of losing you Spencer. I love you. I hope you know that. We all do." Then the door shut and Reid was left on his own to stare at the ceiling as the tears flowed silently down his cheeks.

_Well, there's the alternate. I don't think it is as good as "take one" but the good news is I can continue it! Please review, I hope you liked it._


	13. Raven

Raven

Raven

_Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, I love you all :D_

_Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't, and probably never will, own CM. The only thing I own is Raven Grimshaw (and yes, that is a real name and we do have it in Britain. I promise.)_

There was a polite knock on the door. Reid glanced at it for a moment and then sighed as he turned back to the ceiling. The door opened anyway. The knock was just for show. Reid didn't look at the man who entered the room. He knew who it would be.

"Reid?" Hotch asked, "There's someone here who would like to speak to you. Her name is Dr. Grimshaw." The woman stepped into the room from where she had been hiding behind the door frame.

"Good morning Dr. Reid. I'm Dr. Grimshaw, but you can call me Raven." She had a good voice. It wasn't quiet or patronising like everyone else who spoke to him, but more normal, conversational in tone. She had a slight accent, somewhere from Britain probably. It wasn't prim or clipped like the stereotypical British accent, but softer; she didn't quite finish the sounds of her words making her sound much less snooty than the well known Southern accent. Maybe she came from the North of the country? Slowly, Reid turned to look at her. She wasn't standing close to the bed, but respecting his personal space by standing about two and a half foot away. She was quite tall, 5 foot, 7" but she would still be dwarfed by him when he stood. She was blonde, with blue eyes but the resemblance to a Barbie doll ended there. Her features were defined; she was beautiful but in an unconventional way. She wore dark, square framed glasses and pin striped trousers with black boots. She had a cream tailored blouse with the top few buttons undone and a burgundy sleeveless jumper just covering it. Poking out from beneath the jumper, Reid could see a lopsided blue tie, lopsided from where she had undone her top buttons. Hanging over her pale arm was a dark blazer. She wore little make-up, the only bit of it noticeable was the mascara and eyeliner skilfully applied around the huge, almond shaped eyes. She was definitely nothing like Smiler at the FBI, thankfully.

"Is it alright with you if I sit down and we have a chat?" Silently, Reid nodded. She pulled up a chair and sat next to him, then reached over and undid the straps holding him to the bed.

"I thought they weren't supposed to come off?"

"They're not, don't tell on me. Thank you Agent Hotchner, would you mind giving us a little time to talk in private?"

"I'll see you later, Reid" Once Hotch had closed the door behind him, "Raven" turned back to look Reid in the eye as he pushed himself up into a more dignified position.

"What would you like me to call you?"

"Reid is fine."

"OK, Reid. I've been asked to speak to you following your recent suicide attempt, but also about the events preceding it. I'm only going to ask you one question today, but it's a long one. I want you to tell me as honestly as you can everything that happened to you from the moment you reached Henkel's house to your suicide attempt yesterday."

"Nothing else, just what happened? Not how I felt, or anything like that?"

"Exactly, I just want to know what happened." Reid took a deep breath. He didn't want to tell anyone this again, let alone a perfect stranger, but…there was something about this Raven he just…trusted. Something just felt right about her. Slowly, he expelled the breath.

"Well, it all started when we were called to a case in Georgia…"

They had spoken for hours, both of them slowly becoming more relaxed around each other as the talking wore on. Spencer had talked until he was hoarse - sometimes choking back sobs, sometimes barely able to speak for one reason or another, but he had done it. He had told her the entire story, from back to front, completely truthfully. He had no idea what had possessed him to do it, to share something so intimate with this woman probably not even a year older than him who he had known for two minutes at a push beforehand. Something about her just felt _right_. She sat back and listened patiently, interrupting only occasionally to clarify events he had not explained in enough detail. Finally, when he was done at last he sat back on his pillows and expelled a long breath. He felt a lot lighter inside after his confessions, he wasn't happy about it, but he did feel better. At least didn't have anything left to try and hide from them. It was too tiring to try and hide and at the moment Reid felt just too tired with everything else. They sat in silence for a moment, until the female doctor cracked it unexpectedly. The voice was pleasant and he didn't flinch as the silence came to an end.

"Reid, I think that that's our session for today nearly done with, but I'm afraid before I leave you to yourself again, I have to break my word."

"You have other questions."

"Only one or two don't worry. Do you mind answering them?"

"OK, let's hear it."

"Is it your fault those people are dead?"

"Which people?" Reid's heart was suddenly beating a lot faster, and his hands were sweating and itchy.

"You know which." Reid was silent for a second, and looked down at his bandaged hands. _Oh God, she knows._

"Yes." He croaked.

"Tell me."

"I should have chosen them. I killed them all. It's-It's my fault."

"You should have saved Tobias, and the others?"

"Yes." Reid's voice cracked as he said this.

"Thank you for talking to me, Reid. Would you mind if we spoke again tomorrow?"

"No." Up until now Reid's persona had been relatively relaxed but now he couldn't bring himself to meet her eyes, fighting the tears inside him. It was only when he heard the door close behind him that he allowed them to fall. Soon after this he realised she hadn't restrained him again.

Hotch was waiting outside the door to Reid's room for the doctor to exit. When the door opened he immediately stood, looking to the doctor expectantly.

"What do you think?" He asked in his usual calm tone as soon as the door was shut.

"He's guilty. He blames himself for everything that happened; he thinks somehow he should have been able to save them all, including this Henkel."

"But he couldn't have done anything. It was Henkel that did this."

"I know but remember he was drugged, and he's probably suffering from PTSD, victims often blame themselves in instances like this. That was combined with the drugs leaving his system caused him to have mood swings and was enough to make him depressed him enough to kill himself. The guilt is the main issue here. The drugs tipped him over the edge. We need to get him clean before he can begin to make any real progress. He's using having to quit them as an excuse to want to die, instead of admitting his real feelings to himself. He has to be shown the real reason he feels like this."

"And about Agent Gideon..."

"His attraction to Agent Gideon? I think it was as you suspected: Transference He was looking for comfort, and found it in his father figure. He has mistaken those feelings of wanting a connection and comfort or protection for lust."

"What can we do to help him?"

"As he continues to withdraw it will get harder for him. The withdrawal symptoms have been slowed down by the morphine for his wrists but they'll be back. He will need someone there for him to help him through that, someone he trusts, but probably not Agent Gideon, not yet. Agent Morgan could be a good choice from how I've heard you and Agent Reid alike talk about him. We definitely need to work on his guilt. I will talk to him about it more tomorrow but it would probably be helpful if you could talk to him as well."

"Yes, of course."

"Agent Hotchner, this is going to be a long term thing. He will probably need intense counselling for months, and maybe regular sessions for years to come."

"I understand. Would you be willing to be his doctor? It seems like he opened up to you."

"Yes, I'd be happy to. Where are the rest of your team?"

"They're at the hotel. I told them to wait there until you had seen him. Would they be able to see him now?"

"Give him a while; he's had a rough day."

Hotch nodded "I understand. Thank you for coming to see him, I knew you might be the only one he'd talk to."

"Aaron Hotchner calls me asking for a favour? How could I say no, especially when a case like this one is involved?"

"Do you think you will be able to help him?"

"I have to be realistic for you, he will never be the same as he was, but he wants to get better – despite how depressed he is right now. He responded to me, he showed purpose in his actions and movements and he showed emotional responses when talking to me. He hasn't given up. He's doing much better now that his withdrawal symptoms have eased up. I think we have a good chance, yes. It'll be difficult, but with the right support he can come back from this."

"What about when he does start feeling the effects of the drugs leaving him?"

"I don't know, I can't tell the future. I do know that he will need people there for him when it happens. It will be hard but for what it's worth, I think he'll be alright in the end." Hotch thanked her again and bade the young doctor goodbye before he took his phone out and called Gideon to fill him in on what had happened.

_Well, here is the introduction to my first OC. Hope you liked it, hope you liked her! Please review and leave comments about what you liked and what could be improved :D._


	14. Pendulum

Pendulum

Pendulum

_Sorry it's taken me a while to post the muse disappeared for a while :(, hope you like the chapter and thank you for all the reviews. I'm looking forward to more, hopefully :D_

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM -sigh-_

Reid lay staring at the ceiling, thinking. He wasn't secured to the bed. He could just get up and go, again. It would be so simple. But did he want to? Reid could feel the clock ticking inside him. They would check on him soon, and find out. He had to make up his mind, quickly.

The rest of the team were gathered in one hotel room. They had been in their own rooms originally, but had gradually filtered into Gideon's room. They sat, they stood, they sighed, and still they got no further. Gideon's phone ringing made them all jump. Gideon picked up the phone, and listened intently to what was being said. After a few minutes he hung up the phone, and sighed.

"What is it?" Morgan asked. Gideon, looking into a far corner, explained what Hotch had said.

Footsteps were approaching down the corridor. Reid listened for a second and stood, tensed, thinking very hard. He glanced at the unlocked window.

Morgan knocked on the door to Reid's room, and got no response.

"Reid?" he asked. There was still no reply from his young friend. His eyes widened in surprise at what he saw when he swung the door open.

Reid was nowhere to be seen, the restraints lying open on the bed.

Morgan was about to turn to run to get a nurse when a voice from behind startled him.

"Don't worry, I haven't wandered off. I was just in the bathroom."

Morgan spun and took in the sight of the young man. He looked terrible. His face was drained and pale. His hair was dull and listless. The bandages on his forearms all but blended in with the deathly pale skin. His bones showed on every bit of exposed skin.

"Hey, man. You scared me. You alright? You look… Listen, I didn't think…"

"I know what you thought, Morgan. It's alright, and what you're thinking now is alright too." Morgan hadn't realised how shocked he had looked and quickly turned away.

"What are you doing up? You should be in bed. The doctors told me you would be..." Morgan didn't finish but looked at the cuffs on the bed instead.

"They were left unlocked."

_He didn't run and he didn't try and hurt himself._ Morgan nearly smiled at the thought, however pitiful it may have been – considering that having to even think such things was so terrible.

"Come and sit down." Morgan had sat down on one of the chairs to the side of the bed and motioned Reid to the other.

"Did Hotch ask you to come and see me?"

"No, I was coming anyway but he did ask me to talk to you about a few things."

"Like what?"

"We'll get to 'em. For now I just want to know how you are." Reid wasn't looking in his eyes but had his head down and was looking through his hair up at the older, more experienced agent.

"Oh, I'm just peachy." He mumbled.

"Reid, man, you've got to talk to us. We want to help you. Don't keep on holding it in. All it'll do is hurt you." Reid's head snapped up.

"Well, what do you want me to say Morgan! You know how I am!" Morgan was a little taken aback by the sudden burst of emotion but didn't let it show.

"I want to hear it from you, kid." Morgan's voice increased in volume, his tone firm.

"You know about it!" Reid stood and took a step forward, Morgan followed him up but didn't move.

"No, I don't! Why don't you tell it to me genius?" Morgan hated doing it, seeing the hurt look on the boy's face at the words quickly turn to anger but he had to goad the feelings out of him. Hotch had already spoken to him and they had both agreed that Reid would not let anything out unless provoked.

"Fuck off, Morgan!"

"Come on then, boy wonder!" Morgan slammed his fist into the table beside them. They were both shouting now, and the rage had brought a hot flush to even Reid's pasty complexion. "What is it? Henkel? Come on pretty boy!"

"No!"

"Come on!"

"No!"

"Spill it!"

"Yes!"

"Yes what?" Morgan lowered his tone immediately. Reid looked shocked at what he'd spat out but it was too late to take it back now.

"Yes, it was Henkel" Reid turned away, a hand on his forehead. Slowly Morgan sat down, the silence sudden and too complete. Reid stood, breathing hard, looking down at him. After a long moment of silence he sat and put his head in his hands, groaning pitifully. Morgan closed his eyes for a second, and then bravely forged onward.

"Tell me about Henkel"

Reid took a deep quavering breath, before slowly ungluing his dry lips. "I killed him, and he didn't deserve it." Morgan stayed quiet. "It was his father, not him. His whole life he was beaten and abused and abandoned. Then his father does that to him, makes him do that to him, kill him and sends Tobias on a spiral like that. He couldn't take it and broke. And he was punished for breaking. He needed help, and I shot him and looked in his eyes as he died. And I was relieved. Relieved that I'd rid the world of a true victim." He laughed shortly, but it was more like a choked sob. He was breathing fast and hard, rubbing his hands down his sides to get rid of the sweat.

"What else is it?"

"Those poor people, the couple I should have saved, that Rafael killed. I should…I should h-have chosen them."

"Why?"

"Its logic, isn't it? Two lives are better than one." Reid looked up at him with shining eyes, almost pleading Morgan to contradict him.

"Reid, that wasn't your fault. Henkel killed them. You had no choice. You didn't do this, and as for Henkel being a victim, yes his dad did terrible things to him, but he did terrible things too, whether he was in a stable mind frame or not. He was going to kill you, Reid. You did the right thing." Reid looked like he was about to cry. He wanted to believe his friend…but he just couldn't.

"Morgan…"

"Tell me, Reid."

"My head's just so messed up. I can't think…I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm feeling…" Morgan looked at his young friend sadly, those deep eyes showing so much confusion, pain and need. It hurt Morgan to see it, and at that moment he would happily have given everything to be the one feeling it instead of his friend.

"Gideon." The word was barely whispered.

"Yes. I just, I just…I don't know." Reid broke into sobs, head down, shielded by his lank curtains of hair. It was just too much for Morgan. He shuffled over and wrapped his arms around his bony friend. Reid just seemed to disappear against the older man's thick frame as he pushed himself deeper into the hug, nuzzling his head into the folds of the dark T-shirt next to him.

"It's OK Reid; we're going to help you. I promise, you won't feel like this soon. You've just gotta trust us that we can help you." Reid nodded into the shirt of the older man. When the young man's sobs had become slightly less hysterical Morgan gently pushed him away and looked in his eyes. "Reid, I've gotta ask you a difficult question." The young man said nothing so Morgan kept talking. "Do you want to die?"

Reid looked away, panic fringing his eyes again. "It's OK you can tell me, you don't have to be ashamed." He ran his hand up the young man's arm reassuredly.

"I don't know, but when I thought I was going to, Morgan, I just felt so…relieved. Like I could finally breathe again. I don't know if I want to die, but I know this isn't how I want to live."

"I understand." They went back to hugging, Reid sobbing pitifully again as Morgan cast a glance at the eyes at the gap in the blinds. Outside, Hotch turned and sighed.

"What did Morgan find out?"

"Raven was right about the guilt."

"Did Morgan talk to him about his attempt?"

"Yes. Reid said he doesn't know if he wants to die. He said that he felt good when he thought he was going to die, and that he doesn't want to live like this. He's very confused at the minute."

"He needs our help." Gideon was sat looking out of the window, gazing at nothing in particular.

"Do you still feel guilty?" Gideon turned to look slowly at Hotch.

"Yes. I think I always will. I can't help it. Maybe when he gets better I'll feel better too." Hotch nodded knowingly.

"Raven is going to see him later; we'll see how that goes." Gideon nodded and returned to looking out the window, deep in thought.

_I was going to carry this on but realized it would be way too long for one chapter so I'm leaving it here for now. Again, I'm sorry for the long wait, the muse ran off with the neighbour but I've got her back now :D (P.S. Reviews are love :D)_


	15. Life happens when you least expect it

Life happens when you least expect it

Life happens when you least expect it

_Ladies (and possibly gentlemen), prepare yourselves. This isn't what I intended to do until I picked up my computer and the idea just shot in my head. I hope no one hates it; I just really want to write this. Look out for the sequel, its coming soon and Reid and Raven are going to be having a lot of fun. I hope its going to be fun to go there with them. Sorry, this is rushed but I couldn't waste the time spreading it over a few chapters, I had to get on with it whilst it was still fresh._

_Disclaimer: I don't own CM. CBS does?_

Raven knocked on the door to Reid's room as he sat gracefully on the bed, his leg hanging off the side of the bed nonchalantly. He wasn't in the hospital anymore; he was in a pleasant residential psychiatric facility and had been for the past two months. Hotch had pulled some strings and he'd kept seeing Raven. They finally thought he was ready.

In the last few weeks Reid had talked and talked. He had cried until he thought his eyes would bleed. He had screamed at the woman who had witnessed, and provoked, these reactions. He had denied his feelings as long as he could, and they had broken his heart when he couldn't any longer. It had been a long, hard road, littered with emotional wreckage but eventually he had realized what the others had known all along. It really wasn't his fault. The team had been along nearly every day, their visits had all been welcome to Reid, even if he didn't show it, but secretly there was one person whose visits were his favourite. Garcia always brought along Ben and Jerry's ice cream and at least two DVD's for them to watch. They were a welcome relief from the hellish emotions that were dredged up in his sessions with the doctor and gnawed at him afterwards, almost to the point of driving him to insanity. The withdrawals had been hell, but Morgan, Hotch and after a while Gideon really had been there for him. When his whole body hurt him, when he felt so tired he thought he couldn't go on, when he had needed it so badly he was consumed by it they had been there to hold him, talk to him, comfort him; he had never been more grateful to a group of people than his team. He was finally getting over the drugs. Raven had warned him that he would have cravings, probably for years to come, but that didn't seem such a mammoth task any more. He had his team behind him, his friends. He knew they wouldn't let him fall again.

Raven had been right about the effect the drugs were having on him. Once he had finally stopped craving them, when they had finally stopped clouding his mind, he knew what it was that was going on with him. He didn't want to die, and if he loved Gideon it was like a father. He was just having a hard time after what Henkel did to him. His head was clear, he felt alive again. He was going home – he was on sick leave for another month yet, but that didn't mean he was going to sit at home and vegetate. He was going with Gideon to his cabin, Gideon was going to take him hiking in the forests, they would go fishing and build camp fires and Reid couldn't wait. He'd realized that for years, maybe his whole life, he hadn't been living, really living, and now he just wanted to get out there and enjoy being alive. Everything felt so crisp, so new. The smells of the world around him were so strong and intoxicating, sounds and sensations were loud and bright and clear. Food had never tasted so good. He ate huge meals which Gideon prepared for him and the feel of the wonderful substances in his mouth, the smell of them, especially the taste was like heaven to Reid. He had put on five pounds, and looked so much better for it.

The young man no longer resembled a pipe cleaner with eyes. His skin had a healthy glow to it from all the walking he was doing in the facility's extensive grounds. His hair was clean and glossy, and the dark circles under his eyes were gone for the first time in his life. The sparkle in his eyes made Raven smile when she gazed into them as she watched him sitting on the bed. He had come so far. She stepped into the room.

"You all ready to go?"

"Yes, I'm all packed up. Just waiting on you now, doctor." Raven smiled at him again.

"You know to call me if you need me?"

"Yes."

"Any time at all?"

"Yes."

"And I'll be seeing you on Friday at your place?"

"Yes. Raven, don't worry. I'm ready. I have Gideon to look after me in the woods. You're a phone call away. The whole team is there for me. I'll be alright." He smiled reassuringly at her.

"I know. Come on, do you want me to call you a cab?"

"I don't want to be cheeky here but I'd like to walk. Would you mind accompanying me?"

"A walk sounds good. Come on then."

Reid picked up his things and they made their way to the reception of the facility. Reid turned his face to the huge windows and closed his eyes, letting the rays warm his eyelids. He smiled. He was looking forward to this.

Raven discharged him and turned to look at him. He still had his eyes closed and so she touched his elbow gently.

"Do you want to get going?"

"Yeah, sorry, I was off in a dreamland."

Neither of them felt the eyes on them whilst they were at the window, carefully regarding the shared touch and smiles. Neither of them felt the eyes on them as they strolled casually down the street the facility was situated on. They certainly didn't notice the van in the side street they were about to walk past, parked so the back doors were facing towards them. They did however notice the punch that swung into the side of Reid's face as they were temporarily disguised by the deep shadow cast by the building and the pole that smacked across the back of Raven's head as she turned in shock. Both of the doctors hit the ground unconscious, neither of them having the chance to fight back, or even see their attacker. They were quickly bundled into the back of the van and whisked away down the alley. The driver turned to them after they were safely out of the area and smiled.

"Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this."

_Bum bum buuuuuuuum. I will start writing the first chapter of the sequel now, but if I get enough requests I will write the longer (as in multiple chapters) ending I had planned. Sorry, I know this is random and everyone was expecting a nice wholesome ending with Reid getting better and all that but this popped in my head and I just had to write it. I hope you enjoy the sequel. It's gonna be fun, or at least I'm gonna have fun writing it. Please give feedback. _


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